Black Relationships : Why do they stay....?

epiphany

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Amunra, I have a question for you, I have known many people
in a relationship, that suffer through verbal and physical abuse.
I have tried to offer intelligent reasoning to them, about
abandoning this futile companionship. Yet still they persist, that
they are in love, even tho they themselves understand the situation they are in and what they need to do to rectify it. They still continue to stay, I find it unbelievable. Can you shed some light on this self destructive phenomenon?


Epiphany :heart:
 

Kitana

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Aug 17, 2001
1,312
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under the sun
Epiphany

can I just jump in here and make a comment....

from witnessing this happen to a close family member, I also ask the same question, at least a thousand times....

the social workers I dealt with told me that spousal abuse happens in a cycle...ironically called the honeymoon cycle...

there is the build-up, the physical abuse, the non-communication, the apology and promises from the abuser, the forgiveness, the falling in love again...6 steps...and then it starts all over again...

around 90% of women that have left their abusive spouses will return within a 90 day period of leaving....to suffer more of the same...their reasons are many and varied...

the sad part is, that no matter how hard you try, you cannot help these women until they are ready to help themselves...denial is so much a part of their lives...

it is easy for an outsider to see the problem...the hard part is getting the abused to admit there is a problem..

K
 

Amun-Ra

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Feb 15, 2001
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Dallas
Occupation
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I can only say . . .

. . . perhaps it stems froma lack of self-esteem or an intense mothering or fathering attitude that belives it can save the problem individual from this behavior. I have seen it as I am sure you have and it just doesn't make any rational sense. Often those who stay in these relationships feel that they deserve this type of treatment or feel that this is the best they will ever do in life, so, they stay. Others stay because they feel that they have no where to go and in many cases, at least on the surface, it does appear that way. Often when one is far removed from friends, family and society, the feeling comes that there is nowhere else to go and this is the formula for desparation which probably will end in tragedy because when aperson feels they have no way out they will stay until there is no way out or they will find a way out that is not in proportion to their need which is usually killing someone.

Also, there are needy individuals who see this form of abuse as attention, as someone who cares becasue they take the time to abuse them. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it happens. Still, even with all the reading, watching and hearing I've done on this topic I have have no idea of why. It still makes no sense to me. It always seemed that if you know that fire burns, then you don't stick your hand in it. If you know that trouble is over here, then we make sure we go over there instead.

Hell, I don't know!


Ra

:)
 

epiphany

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Kitana.....

Kitana, no problem...I welcome all comments. I certainly understand what you mean, although it doesn't help the frustration of watching it happen and listening to them complain, yet after all the long talk and advice, they return.
I have seen it many times , friends, and sis in laws. I came to the conclusion, not to listen, because I felt it was getting me really upset (I have had many a headaches), when they didn't listen and I was enabling them to sound off, only to release the strength they had to make a decision and cool off. So I chose to not indulge them, I didn't turn my back, but I didn't enable them. In time....within years, after looking ragged and worn, they made the decision to leave. But, you are right, until they believe they have had enough, there is not much someone on the outside looking in can do. I thank you for the read and your comments.


Epiphany :heart:
 

epiphany

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Kem..

I agree with your theories,
perhaps you can offer an opinion on what type of man has the psyche to
physically abuse a woman, I'd like to hear your comment on that. As far as a man being in this situation, I agree also, I don't know, if I would agree so much with the physical abuse(tho, I believe there is some cases)...I think with men, it is more emotional and verbal abuse. I also have known men like that. Do you think, the reasoning is the same for staying? Thanks Kem, for your read and your opinions. Its greatly appreciated.


Epiphany :heart:
 

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