Black Parenting : Seeking advice from my elders

Inanna

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Dec 2, 2014
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I don't really care about her being pregnant but she won't let me take care of my girls and put them in the proper home they need unless I allow her to move in with us.

If she's really in an improper home, what you need to do is take her to court and get custody of your children. Move them in with you and have her pay you child support.

I told her I find it disrespectful to have her living with me while carrying another man's child an even more disrespectful to our daughters since she can't afford to take care of them financially now.

Again, if she can't provide financially for the children and you can, take her to court.

She hasn't decided to keep the unborn child yet or get an abortion. This dude is a creep and has a child already he doesn't care for. I just want to raise my princesses into queens but she won't let me if it doesn't involve her in the picture.

Well she's their mother, so she should be in the picture. That doesn't mean she has to live with you. She can get weekend visits or you both can share joint custody. Were you married when your girls were born? If so, you're already legally a joint parent and that gives you as many rights as she has, unless you weren't married, then as of now she's the custodial parent and you aren't, so you should be paying her child support through the court, especially if she's on welfare. The state is gonna come to you for whatever money she gets. Unless you plan on taking her to court for full custody.

I offered to get married (I see now, y'all shoulda did that first) and put her through college if she got herself together but she always finds an excuse.

That's not your job to put her through college. If that's what she needs to be a better parent that's on her not you.

Yes, anything my daughter's need I pay for. All she has to do is tell me what they need an I order it and have it shipped or she picks it up at the store. I pay for birthdays and holidays gifts. Still put her name on the presents to make my daughter's happy. She has a part time job, when I offered to put our girls in day care so she would have more time to seek full time employment or just to give my girls a head start, she would say no an it was at no expense to her. Then like my other post, I said I offered to help her with college and pay for it while putting my rn program on hold. She said no.

You have to pay her child support through the court or it looks bad on you. You can spend $2000 a month on your kids but if it's not through the state you're wasting your money cause they're still gonna bill you and say you look bad for not paying what you owe through the system. Which, is unfortunate for you because it's not YOUR fault she's on welfare, especially if you're trying to help and she isn't accepting.

"If she spends it on a weave, or a dress, or whatever ... it aint yo' business ... just make sure she gets da money."

I don't agree that that isn't your business. If you send her money for your children and she literally spends it on a weave you can use that against her in court. Straight up. That's not what your support is for. This is why people don't like to pay child support and would rather pay for birthdays, food, clothes etc directly. Receipts are your friend here. If you don't wanna pay her through the court because she won't use it for your children then everything you buy for them you need to keep the receipts for. That bank statement with her weave coming out of your account, take it to court. Get your kids.

She's not a better parent just cause she has a vagina. Period.
 

Hermetic

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May 30, 2015
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Inanna's immensely logical post.
That was an outstanding logical post. I enjoy reading what you write, because I see you assess situations without allowing emotionalism to cloud your judgement.
 

Liberty

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Aug 28, 2015
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Likewise Dad is not a better parent because he has more money. Especially, since it's been five years and he has not secured shelter for his children, Mom did. And, the fact that she as had to rely on government assistance will be held against him, big time, seeing that he has so much money he can afford to send Mom to college. The courts will also mandate that each child has his/her own living space ( or bedroom)

There ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from seeing that my minor child was not living in substandard conditions while I had the resources to move him into a decent home, if it were me. And, that is what the Family Court will be considering when they weigh the parents.

Just sayin'......

People are talking who obviously do not understand the CONCEPT of FAMILY LAW and CHILD SUPPORT. AfroArab, won't stand a chance in court, unfortunately.

I am sympathetic to the fact that most people have misconceptions about what child support is and what courts look at when discerning custody. It's usually quite surprising to some folks. What YOU think is logic, means absolutely nothing ACCORDING TO THE LAW.
 

baller

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as someone who's been in family court, who have paid child support, and who knows a little about family law...let me just say that both parents go into the process having a chance for custody--shared and full; the judge looks at the options given him. most parents are good--mothers and fathers--and wants the best for their kids.

mothers, typically, get the most nods for two reasons:
first, they carried the child for nine months...which gives them an edge. yes, you do score some points for having a vagina. plus, they usually walk in court with their child in hand--custody...possession is nine-tenths of the law.
second, most fathers go to court to minimize their child support payments, not to fight for custody of their child--those who actually go to court, because most wait to see what the fallout is before doing anything. the mother tells the judge what she wants, and the father tells the judge what he can do to meet her demands...instead of offering an alternative to them.

in evaluating stability, the judge looks at a number of things. first and foremost, can the custodial parent provide a stable environment for the child; through their own means, or with assistance from the other parent, is irrelevant...they're both supposed to provide for the child, anyway. if the mother is living with the father, and becomes pregnant for another man...causing the breakup of the home, that's a strike against her in the stability department. if a parent has money, but does not use that money to care for the child--or, if he cannot prove (receipts) he has been caring for the child--that's a strike against him in the support department.

WITH ALL THAT SAID, if you decide to go to court, be prepared to defend your actions--show receipts, time tables, personal care, time spent with kids, etc. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. when you go to court, have a backup plan, in case things don't go the way you want them to go; an alternative to what the mother is requesting. i.e. if the mother wants to put them in the best (private) school, in the best neighborhood, wearing outrageously priced clothes (coz all that boosts the amount of your child support payments)...explain to the judge why a certain public school is just as good as private school, and neighborhood "b," or "c," is less expensive but just as safe as neighborhood "a." ...and that your children doesn't have to wear the most expensive, name brand clothes, that they're going to grow out of in a few months, anyway. WHILE EXPLAINING, without making it seem you're trying to get out of something, THAT THE MOTHER IS JUST TRYING TO SCREW YOU OVER.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DON'T WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN, you're just offering the judge a less expensive alternative to what the mother is requesting...giving him/her a different route to consider. also, by showing that you're willing to provide for your child, it tells the judge that you're responsible...and the court doesn't have to dictate your every step. WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO HAVE SOME SAY SO IN HOW YOUR CHILD IS RAISED.

THINGS to think about.
 

Liberty

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Aug 28, 2015
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as someone who's been in family court, who have paid child support, and who knows a little about family law...let me just say that both parents go into the process having a chance for custody--shared and full; the judge looks at the options given him. most parents are good--mothers and fathers--and wants the best for their kids.

mothers, typically, get the most nods for two reasons:
first, they carried the child for nine months...which gives them an edge. yes, you do score some points for having a vagina. plus, they usually walk in court with their child in hand--custody...possession is nine-tenths of the law.
second, most fathers go to court to minimize their child support payments, not to fight for custody of their child--those who actually go to court, because most wait to see what the fallout is before doing anything. the mother tells the judge what she wants, and the father tells the judge what he can do to meet her demands...instead of offering an alternative to them.

in evaluating stability, the judge looks at a number of things. first and foremost, can the custodial parent provide a stable environment for the child; through their own means, or with assistance from the other parent, is irrelevant...they're both supposed to provide for the child, anyway. if the mother is living with the father, and becomes pregnant for another man...causing the breakup of the home, that's a strike against her in the stability department. if a parent has money, but does not use that money to care for the child--or, if he cannot prove (receipts) he has been caring for the child--that's a strike against him in the support department.

WITH ALL THAT SAID, if you decide to go to court, be prepared to defend your actions--show receipts, time tables, personal care, time spent with kids, etc. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. when you go to court, have a backup plan, in case things don't go the way you want them to go; an alternative to what the mother is requesting. i.e. if the mother wants to put them in the best (private) school, in the best neighborhood, wearing outrageously priced clothes (coz all that boosts the amount of your child support payments)...explain to the judge why a certain public school is just as good as private school, and neighborhood "b," or "c," is less expensive but just as safe as neighborhood "a." ...and that your children doesn't have to wear the most expensive, name brand clothes, that they're going to grow out of in a few months, anyway. WHILE EXPLAINING, without making it seem you're trying to get out of something, THAT THE MOTHER IS JUST TRYING TO SCREW YOU OVER.

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DON'T WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN, you're just offering the judge a less expensive alternative to what the mother is requesting...giving him/her a different route to consider. also, by showing that you're willing to provide for your child, it tells the judge that you're responsible...and the court doesn't have to dictate your every step. WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO HAVE SOME SAY SO IN HOW YOUR CHILD IS RAISED.

THINGS to think about.
Good Post

As you said, "As someone who has paid Child Support". So, you know that is different than "gifts" here and there.

I don't think it's so much because Mom has a vagina. It may be because Mom has breasts. And, I think we can all agree breastfeeding is best for the child, unless there are other circumstances that we don't know about. But, if your children have been living in "a small bedroom" at their maternal grandmother's house, and Mom has had to rely on government aid for FIVE YEARS..... What is the court going to think about that?

And, I agree, and I have said it in this forum and it was met with argument... Usually, men don't file for custody at birth. They usually file after they get their child support orders, and that doesn't look good. Some file at birth in drug and alcohol abuse cases, though. But, if you have known that your children are being neglected or abused for five years, and you haven't done anything about it, the court will hold you equally complicit in that abuse or neglect. Silence is acquiescence.
 

Inanna

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Dec 2, 2014
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"Mom has had to rely on government aid for FIVE YEARS..... What is the court going to think about that?"

If she's "had" to rely on government aid for five years already, she won't go to college, she's not providing shelter (grandmother is), then why is she still having babies? What does the court think about that? She HAD to rely on aid? Really. No, she HAS to get a better job and get off aid and stop getting pregnant if she can't take care of the ones she has. Someone needs to stop relying on everyone else to pay for her kids. Something is wrong with that.

Money doesn't make you a better parent but money does provide food clothing and shelter and if she can't do that then she can't take care of her kids. Kids who are well past breastfeeding age. They need food, hence money. If she needs the government or daddy to do it for her she is not doing her job as a mother.

That's just my opinion. Family law and the court can go about it how they want but morally speaking, why would you have a child and continue to have children you know you can't provide for?

Him not removing the children from the home is a valid point. Unless she has full custody and he can't take them without her permission (I've seen dads get amber alerts put out on them/go to jail for kidnapping their own kids) then he should go get them and move on.
 

Destee

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yes, you do score some points for having a vagina


really baller??

i too have been in a court and no one ever mentioned vagina

do you have one piece of evidence to support the above, a court ruling citing it

i have never heard of a custody ruling based on one having a vagina (or penis)

women carry babies in their womb for 9 months - not their vagina

if men are mistreated 'cause they aint got a womb (or vagina) you might wanna talk to the creator

in fact - nowadays - you can switch out your penis for a vagina - if it benefits you

what of the men that are awarded custody of their children - did they present a (their) vagina to win

i'm surprised you brought the word into the discussion - it's okay - i'm obviously interested

don't be mad at the vagina - you can get one too

:heart:

Destee
 

IFE

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Jan 20, 2015
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People are talking who obviously do not understand the CONCEPT of FAMILY LAW and CHILD SUPPORT. AfroArab, won't stand a chance in court, unfortunately.

I am sympathetic to the fact that most people have misconceptions about what child support is and what courts look at when discerning custody. It's usually quite surprising to some folks. What YOU think is logic, means absolutely nothing ACCORDING TO THE LAW.
In child support court a case worker is assigned whose only concern is wages, depending on the State. Some courts take both parents salaries into account and some do not. The case worker has already prepared papers for the amount of child support to be paid.

I've been to child support with a young mother for support. The judge don't ask no questions. He just enforces what the amount the case worker has already presented. The young lady I went to court with was awarded $500.00/mo for one child based on the fathers income. He had gotten married and stopped paying court ordered child support to the mother of his child. The $500 included the back child support. Child support court moves fast since he judge only enforce. He don't want to listen to who did what to who, or what you've been doing.

If you have receipts you can show them to the case worker.

There were other issues that could only be handled in family court. Not child support court. She had to get an attorney, because he had filed for full custody of their son during a visit, and she wanted to be reimbursed. He, along with his new wife committed fraud to get (fake) custody. She had to get the full custody reversed legally which required an attorney. The case worker referred her to family court. Told her she couldn't help her with that.

She went to pick her son up after a 2 week visit and he and his new wife called her before she got there to tell her he had full custody and was keeping their son. It was all done illegally.

Child support court is only for child support, not what the mother is doing with the money. The judge ain't listening.

Take it up in family court.
 

Liberty

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Aug 28, 2015
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In child support court a case worker is assigned whose only concern is wages, depending on the State. Some courts take both parents salaries into account and some do not. The case worker has already prepared papers for the amount of child support to be paid.

I've been to child support with a young mother for support. The judge don't ask no questions. He just enforces what the amount the case worker has already presented. The young lady I went to court with was awarded $500.00/mo for one child based on the fathers income. He had gotten married and stopped paying court ordered child support to the mother of his child. The $500 included the back child support. Child support court moves fast since he judge only enforce. He don't want to listen to who did what to who, or what you've been doing.

If you have receipts you can show them to the case worker.

There were other issues that could only be handled in family court. Not child support court. She had to get an attorney, because he had filed for full custody of their son during a visit, and she wanted to be reimbursed. He, along with his new wife committed fraud to get (fake) custody. She had to get the full custody reversed legally which required an attorney. The case worker referred her to family court. Told her she couldn't help her with that.

She went to pick her son up after a 2 week visit and he and his new wife called her before she got there to tell her he had full custody and was keeping their son. It was all done illegally.

Child support court is only for child support, not what the mother is doing with the money. The judge ain't listening.

Take it up in family court.
Yep, they ain't trying to hear about those Pampers you bought that time..LOL

It's amazing what people think constitutes Child Support. And, because of their misconceptions, when they get their actual orders they feel cheated. And, that's when they decide they want custody.

The OP says that he has enough money to pay Mom's college tuition, and support her and the two children. So, he will be paying much more than $500/month, imho.
 

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