Black Relationships : Question for the Brothers

Nia Maishani

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Nov 22, 2001
1,314
1
Displaced at the Junction of Hoosiers and Bluegras
Occupation
Business Owner
Could you clarify what you mean by "use sex as a weapon", Kemetstry?

Suppose he has been an absolute jerk lately, or suppose he has done or said something especially repulsive. The woman therefore is turned off. She is not motivated to make love to a man who is not treating her right lately or who has done something that has detered her from wanting to make love to him at the moment. Is that what you call using sex as a weapon, or do you mean something different?
 

Nia Maishani

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Nov 22, 2001
1,314
1
Displaced at the Junction of Hoosiers and Bluegras
Occupation
Business Owner
Originally posted by kemetstry
:cool:

or has some kind of phobia about sex ( 30-40% of you do ) then you should be a little more understanding and step up to the plate.
I am wondering about that allegation you made, Kemetstry. Specifically, I wonder if the fact is that there is in fact a phobia, or if that particular 30-40% has something different going on, other than a "phobia". Perhaps some women have some sort of phobia when it comes to sex (possibly becase of past sexual violations they suffered), but it could also be that men misinterpret those 30-40%'s reasons for reluctance.

I was told by my last ex that his eyes strayed because I limited the quantity. It was not because of any phobia or desire to manipulate. I simply was beginning to feel that, although we did not live together, we were simply playing house. I was beginning to feel used. Yes, I too was receiving, but I was not receiving what I really needed and desired, which was non-physical love and appreciation. I began to feel that he thought I "owed" it to him, even though he was not giving me what I needed and deserved, and that was turning me off.

I then began to ask myself why I was even with him, giving him the deepest part of me and getting nothing in return but a *fill in the blank*. Then I applied the same question to my sexual history in general.

What I did get from the experience was the revelation that I needed to break the pattern that was getting me nowhere and nothing substantive nor permanent. I was doing things backwards (giving the sex and waiting for the love). Now, I have learned that the best thing I can and must do for myself is wait for the love before sharing its physical expression.
 

Nia Maishani

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Nov 22, 2001
1,314
1
Displaced at the Junction of Hoosiers and Bluegras
Occupation
Business Owner
So if you tick me off, and you know I am ticked off, and you know you are wrong, and I am not in the mood, is that using it as a weapon?

PMS, from what I understand, is an ailment that is biological and therefore uncontrollable, therefore it would not qualify as a reason to not show love to your mate. If you feel your mate is "ding bat", why are you even with her?

I did in fact voice my concerns to the ex, letting him know I was not going to stand for being used. He attempted to turn the tables on me and say I was not being used because I was not giving anything he was not giving. I then made it clear that the act in and of itself meant nothing to me, and I could care less if we omitted it entirely. Time and again, his actions proved to me that love was absent from our relationship, therefore he got cancelled.

The phobia thing does not apply to me, nor has it ever. I simply place a very high value on "going all the way", which encompasses much more than merely the physical piece. I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to spread myself around like I ain't worth a quarter, or like any and every man is welcome to have a gratuitous share.
 

Nia Maishani

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Nov 22, 2001
1,314
1
Displaced at the Junction of Hoosiers and Bluegras
Occupation
Business Owner
Some people are SO NOSY!

What I stated was that the physical action IN AND OF ITSELF means nothing.

I mean I did like the man. And he came onto me quite heavily and quite irresistably. What sustained my interest and attraction was the substantial amount of potential I detected in him. I felt that if he really wanted to, he could be the man for me. Just needed a bit of tweaking to the mentality, which was borderline hoodrat. So why was I doing it? I was feeling lonely and hopeless at the time and he was the closest thing to a suitable mate that was on my path at the time. I didn't have the values back then that I have now.

When does it or has it EVER meant anything?
It means something only when the partners actually love one another.
For me, I don't believe I have ever been in love. I always hear folk say that when you fall in love, you will know it for certain. I have had tearful arguments and tearful breakups, but does that mean I was in love? I've never been with anyone whom I simply could not see living my life without. People have meaningless sex all the time. I cannot say that I felt NOTHING toward anyone I have been with, but I also cannot verify having been in love. I think it was more like playing the role of a person (or people) in love.

How many boyfriends?
Intimately speaking, all I'm saying is it is a single-digit number. :eek:
 

Consciousness Raising Online!

Latest profile posts

Nahshon wrote on Gracious's profile.
Gracious Queen I hope you do come back to destee...I see last time you were online here was 6 years ago on my birthday...I was probably probably taking a puff on that good 'ol stuff at the time...maybe sitting back sipping Coffee, Tea, or Wine...I just had to go back and read your previous posts.
Moved back to the Borough of my birth...Queens New York...Originally from SouthSide but now I live in Far Rockaway.
Clarity to pursue my mission in 2020
Destee wrote on Omowale Jabali's profile.
Hi Brother O! YAAAAAY! Good to see you! Hoping all is well with you and yours! Happy New Year! :heart:
Destee wrote on King Tubbs's profile.
Hi Brother - so good to see you in the house again! Hoping all is well with you and yours! Happy New Year Beloved! :heart:
Top