Black Relationships : Need Advice On Dealing With C**kblocking Ex.

Destee

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Jan 22, 2001
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betwixt and between
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Sister Joy ... i may be all wrong here, but this is what i feel in my Spirit to share with you ...

this situation is going to have to stop breaking your heart, before you can help your daughter with any pain she may be feeling.

Your heart is broke Sister. You are disappointed. You are sad. You know the great loss she's experiencing, and it is your total inability to fill this gap completely ... knowing that she is missing a great part of herself ... that breaks your heart.

But you've got to get over this. Recognize that it exists and move on. Come up with ways to help her not feel the pain you are feeling righ now. Protect her. Insulate her. But if you are feeling that pain, she will feel it too. So you must first accept it totally and completely inside yourself, that this is the situation. Then move your life and family in a direction that makes this great loss, not so painful ... because you've filled in the gaps as much as possible.

Do that Sister ... because really, the babies are so okay ... all they want is love and they aint too terribly particular about where that love comes from.

:heart:

Destee
 

Queenie

going above and beyond
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Feb 9, 2001
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What fence is there to mend between you and your ex?

If it's broken and you can't fix it, how many chances do you give your ex to keep upsetting the apple cart?

Is it really important for you to understand why he (I don't like this term) c**kblock? Is this what you're going to the club looking for?

If you feel so bad that your daughter doesn't have a decent father, then what are you doing to help her and to find someone who can be? What characteristics are you attracted to and what have you learned from your past relationship?

Are you still 'in love' with your ex? If you were genuinely in love with him, 7 months separation is really not that long to be completely over him. After all, regardless of how cruel he sounds, you still have a child together. But don't feel as though you have to accept him on his terms if you try but fail to get along.

People can only do what you give them permission to do. You appear to be intelligent so I'm sure you know that already. You said he caught you by surprise but if you really don't want your ex "nuzzling" your neck--in private or in public--what did you do to send him the message so that he won't make the mistake of doing it again?

Exactly what do you tell your daughter as an answer to her questions about her father? How do you handle the conversation?

I'm a little confused about the timeframe so help me to understand it better.

You and your ex broke up 7 months ago because he claimed he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship yet you and he have a daughter who is 6 years old?

Were you married or just cohabitating?

When did he suddenly discover that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and how long have you known?

Did something recent happen to make him upset enough to call you rude names or has this been a part of his nature all along?

When I had my daughter, I learned quickly how important it was not to be a "do as I say and not as I do" type parent. Thinking ahead into the future, you have a daughter...suppose she was in a relationship with a man like your ex (her father), what advice would you give her?

Welcome to the forums, Joy. I look forward to your response....

Peace!!
 

Joy

New Member
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Sep 15, 2003
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<<What fence is there to mend between you and your ex?>>

Actually, there is none. In my efforts to reduce the drama, I always try to at least maintain a civil relationship with him.

<<If it's broken and you can't fix it, how many chances do you give your ex to keep upsetting the apple cart?>>

I have no answer to that.

<<Is it really important for you to understand why he (I don't like this term) c**kblock? Is this what you're going to the club looking for?>>

It's not really important to understand why he suddenly doesn't want me to with another man. Call it curiosity. I've witnessed this behavior in quite a few men who claim they've moved on, but seem not to want to let their ex move on as well. I ventured out to the club to simply enjoy a night out with friends. I'm not looking for a relationship now because I'm not completely healed from the last one.

<<If you feel so bad that your daughter doesn't have a decent father, then what are you doing to help her and to find someone who can be? What characteristics are you attracted to and what have you learned from your past relationship?>>

As I mentioned above, I'm not looking for a new man or a new father for my child. If I was, I'd want someone who respects me and does not play games. What have I learned from my past relationship? That I no longer wish to be disrespected or taken for granted.

<<Are you still 'in love' with your ex? If you were genuinely in love with him, 7 months separation is really not that long to be completely over him. After all, regardless of how cruel he sounds, you still have a child together. But don't feel as though you have to accept him on his terms if you try but fail to get along.>>

I still have feelings for him, but I think I fell out of love the first time he called me the 'b' word. I am weary of the unhappiness and drama, so I've chosen to move on. I do try to accept him on his terms to keep the peace. It seems as if when we are warring with one another, he stays away from my daughter as well as me.

<<People can only do what you give them permission to do. You appear to be intelligent so I'm sure you know that already. You said he caught you by surprise but if you really don't want your ex "nuzzling" your neck--in private or in public--what did you do to send him the message so that he won't make the mistake of doing it again?>>

Why am I responsible for his behavior? If I'm minding my own business, making no eye contact or overtures, basically ignoring my ex, where is the message I sent him that had him making a beeline from one side of the club to the other to 'be messy'. The motivation was his alone. I continued to discourage him by ignoring him until a forceful 'leave me alone' got him to finally do that and storm out of the nightclub.

<<Exactly what do you tell your daughter as an answer to her questions about her father? How do you handle the conversation?>>

I simply tell her he's at work or sometimes I'm honest and say 'I don't know'. If she's really interested in seeing him, I'll dial his number for her and let her talk to him or leave him a message to call her.

<<I'm a little confused about the timeframe so help me to understand it better. You and your ex broke up 7 months ago because he claimed he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship yet you and he have a daughter who is 6 years old?>>

Our relationship has been off and on for the past eight years. BTW, he is 35, I am 37.

<<Were you married or just co-habitating?>>

Neither.

<<When did he suddenly discover that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and how long have you known?>>

About eight months after we reunited again, he decided he didn't want a serious relationship. We were growing closer and talking marriage and buying a home together. Then he just stopped calling and coming by. And gave me an explanation, when I pressed him for one, a week later. No, I didn't see it coming.

<<Did something recent happen to make him upset enough to call you rude names or has this been a part of his nature all along?>>

Maybe it's because I rejected him when he tried to come back a few months ago. I had already made up my mind that I'd had enough. Other than that, I have no idea what's going on with him that would make him behave this way.

<<When I had my daughter, I learned quickly how important it was not to be a "do as I say and not as I do" type parent. Thinking ahead into the future, you have a daughter...suppose she was in a relationship with a man like your ex (her father), what advice would you give her?>>

I shield my daughter from the negative aspect of our relationship and to be fair, my ex does as well. Honestly, I can't say what I'd tell her if she were to find herself in such a relationship. In my opinion, sometimes it's best to let people learn from their mistakes. I suppose I would share with her my painful experiences and then let her make her own decision.

You know, Queen, I think I try so hard with him because I'm getting older and want peace in my life. It seems my effort to reduce drama only create more. In a nutshell, I just want us to get along.
 

Queenie

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Feb 9, 2001
7,137
2,063
Joy, thank you for patiently answering my questions because I was probing deep to find out whether you were a whiner or a winner. You're a winner in my view.

Your relationship...I'm sorry this has caused you a lot of pain. It's a road that none of us wants to travel but many find themselves on it. It might be easier and far more productive to know what it is that you intend to do with your life than to figure out why your ex is doing what he's doing to maintain your attention.

I hope that your life improves daily Joy...for your sake and your daughter's. Do something every day to encourage that to happen even if it's nothing more than a dream of a better time when you gain peace in your life.

I'm sure every effort you make to reduce drama won't be in vain...it might seem that way now, but hopefully, if you don't give up, you'll reap rewards for being tenacious and persistent. I've learned from experience that your life is a direct reflection of your attitude. If I may, I'd like to show you support by making a suggestion sister.

Find healthy and doable ways to keep your spirit up. Set a future goal and work hard to keep your eyes on the prize. If you falter at times, don't beat up on yourself or stay down. Visualize your life as you would like for it to be and lean forward into the head-winds and keep pressing in that direction. One of my favorite affirmations is: "If it is to be, it's up to me!" You have my permission to use it if you think it will work for you!

Sister I wish you peace and a prosperous life!

Queenie
 
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