Black People : My Problem with Destee Members

Destee

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I agreed with you on this point. I also said that how can I condemn him for the same things I've done. But still I learn by people pointing my flaws out to me, which is what happen here.
Kewl @ we're together ... :love:


I agree, he didn't call any names. And the person in question might not be active on this board so how can she respond? Also you keep trying to absolve him of any fault, look at the title of this thread. I have yet to see where this type of thread fail in getting responses.

Yeah ... the person might not be here, they may not even exist ... we could speculate a host of different things ... but right now, all we know for sure is that no one is laying claim to being that person. I'm not trying to absolve him of any fault, i just don't think the small misstep he made warrants the verbal flogging he's received. These type of threads rarely fail in getting responses, it's just that the knee-jerk responses they've gotten in the past are fewer and fewer ... a testament to our growing beyond emotional reactions to such.


If a brand new member walked in here posting the same kind of threads they would get the same response, maybe even worst because they are new. I've seen a few come and go in the span of less than 10 posts.

Yeah ... you can't walk in the door talking krazee ... but if you've been here awhile ... we have more in which to assess the situation.


Ok...

If the title was "The problem I have with Destee members that are light skinned, and have kids". Are you telling me that you wouldn't think the thread starter was talking about you? Take any description and put it after "members" and you will be talking about someone on here. For example, spiritual, Afrocentric, Egyptian study, etc. He said people who uses big words, and continued by saying what he thought of them....

This is what he said:

I'm educated and use big words, so why shouldn't I take offense?

Oh My Gosh ... :) ... No ... if someone came in talking about light skinned members with kids ... i would absolutely not think they were talking about me! :eeek: ... oh my gosh no ... :eeek: ... that is so weird for you to even use that as an example describing me, or thinking of me in that manner ... i've NEVER considered myself light skinned ... :eeek: ... as BLACK as i am ... ??? ... please ... and while lots of things have been said about single black mothers here ... i don't take them all personal, thinking someone is talking about me specifically ... no ... i'd not think that. I am though, very protective of single black mothers in general, and will often get in those discussions to defend all the single black mothers in the world (to the degree that i can) ... but no ... i don't take all such commentary personal.

Even this thread should be a testament to my not taking stuff personal. I'm Destee, and this thread title has Destee in it, talking about the Destee Members in a general way ... and i'm very protective of us, this community ... but there must be balance ... and we must be open to some degree of criticism ... especially from loved ones in the Family ... Sisters and Brothers that have always honored our rules and policies ... that have a concern on their heart ... they should be able to table that respectfully ... talk to us about it ... and if we're quick to get defensive every time someone says something that might look like any one of us we'll never be open to critique or growth or correction or improvement or building or anything.

To manage a community like ours has required me to learn how to take very little personal. There are many examples throughout our discussions, where i've actually been called by name ... accused of all kinds of carrying on ... lied on even ... misrepresented ... a host of things that i've had to let roll off like water ... otherwise we'd have no community ... i wooda been dun kicked most every bodee out if i was gonna be hurt every time someone LOOKED LIKE they were saying something ugly to or about me ... whether they were or not ... for the qualifier would be that they are looking like it, in my emotionally reactionary mind ... :look: ... managing that way would never allow us to have the very open, diverse, and rich community we have now.

In fact, i'm reminded of a situation from years ago, when a Member called me a Negress. Some members got so mad that i was called that, they wanted that member banned immediately ... but i was not offended at all ... i saw no violation. Some members left right then and there, promising never to return, because i did not take offense to being called a Negress.

I have to lead the way, set the example, and if i'm getting mad at every turn the chances are great that everyone else will too ... and worse ... we'll never grow to a place where we look past the words and see the pain, the opportunity for healing, the chance to grow beyond the reactionary low level thinking that hinders our forward movement.


Yes I have scars, but I've come to learn that I don't have the problem with education,.....they do.

Just 'cause someone says something doesn't mean you have to take it personal ... but you can if you wanna.


I'm an atheist, I don't believe in any god. How many time have you seen me in a religious thread? Or even start one criticizing other members faith? I would say none, because I have people on here I like and respect (you are one of them) that will not bump heads with just because I'm an atheist. I make a conscious effort that if and when I do speak on it, it's done with respect.
The point I'm trying to make is that I try to keep my brain and mouth filter on all the time.

It's a process, learning how to do that, filtering what one says ... and everyone hasn't learned how to do it yet ... so when you / i see someone that hasn't learned ... i just give 'em 50 feet ... and maybe they can learn it right here. Even our spirituality / religious threads have come a long way over the years, folk are much more civil, lots of progress has been made. Even with that though, if you have strong opinion on a topic, that can be presented respectfully and without (too much) disruption, it's welcome .... you don't have to not share your opinion because there are others present with different opinion ... for that's what makes great discussion and opportunity for learning.


Really?

So a woman that has been the victim of rape should suck it up if a thread in made painting them as being the root cause of their rape.? If this thread had a different title, I wouldn't too much care, but it don't. It says Destee members, which include me. In this thread he same Destee members that use big words, which it me.

If someone started such a thread ... and we actually have some rape discussions with that kind of energy in them ... all one can do is argue their point of view, if they are so inclined. Taking another person's opinion personal, just because it came out of their mouth is kraziness to me. Just like if someone started a thread that said, "People who get wet in the rain are stupid" ... would not warrant a response from me ... even though i've gotten wet in the rain many times. To me, it would be more indicative of them, and not me. I'd not take it personal or consider their opinion a violation.


No, I generally have a thick skin, but you step to me with BS, I'm going to get you to back da hell up offa me.

No one was on you Brother ... you thot they were on you ... but they never even called your name.

For example ... and i really hate using this example ... but it's perfect.

Brother MS234 came in that thread thinking my warning was about him, that i was talking to him, even though i never called his name. He took that and picked it up, put it on his back, and was ready to fight ... but it wasn't even about him ... knee-jerk, reactionary, emotional response ... had he just chilled on out ... stepped back for a second ... he'd be welcome to be here now ... but nope ... he wanted my commentary to be all about him, and well, i obliged him.

Likewise ... you're making this be about you ... when i don't think it is ... but you can think that if you want.


This is indicative of life and society. It's the passive soul that always has to take the black eye, or accept the chiding of other people. But the minute they speak out, then they are the one with the problem.

I'm not suggesting that all life situations should be managed like this community is, it's just that our specific goals require us to give each other a little room, the benefit of the doubt, think the best instead of the worst, give each other the consideration we'd want if we were in that same place ... stuff like that ... but ... it won't apply across the board, everywhere in life ... it's just for this community ... our very specific purpose(s) ... healing ourselves, forgiving each other, growing beyond the differences if at all possible.


What is means is that I asked you why were you pleading his case when he's capable of defending himself. The "double side" means that you can ask the same of me when I plead the case on members that have been banned. The one difference is they are not here to speak for themselves, he is.

I responded previously that i am pleading his case, but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to explain my view of it all ... as i can't speak to everything he said word for word ... though i do understand and agree with some of what he shared.

Thanks for the double side explanation ... kewl ... :)


This comment of mine was born out of my experience with some Africans I've known. They thought/think they are better than us, and we are inferior to them because our blood line has been mixed. And this rant of his here only reinforced it:

Where is this notion coming form that we, here in America have been living in the lap of luxury? Some of them think we are totally ignorant of self, and that we need them to teach us who and what we are. Now that is funny since I see many of them on the same economic rung as we are. They come here and get viewed through that same prism that we are viewed, and is subjected to the same injustices that we face. Bruh should know and understand, blacks here in America is not the cause of Ghana's woes. Africa is not poor, it's just poorly managed.

It could be said that African Americans aren't poor, they just poorly manage themselves.

What you say about "them" ... they say about "us" ... we do it to each other.

We've got to grow beyond that ... there is no us and them ... and our willingness to hear each other, learn each other, interact with each other, grow beyond the differences that separate us ... will help us see that clearer ... but if we fall out with each other every time one somebody says something that might possibly offend another, and communication turns into fights, sensitivity, emotionalism ... we never get to the next level.

Someone has to see past the pain, to the healing, if we're ever to get there.


I luv talking to you sista, it's not err day I get the attention of da numba one stunna!!!:lol:


:luvu:

Peace!

I love talking to you too! :)

My "pleading his case" is really my attempt at sharing a little bit about how the community is managed, a big picture view of it, if you will. There's always more to it (my decisions) than meets the eye, and it's nice to be able to share some of it, help you (and everyone) see where i am so yall can help me stay there or get there ... just in case i lose my footing.

Thanks for letting me share, as it's a rare pleasure for me these days.

Love You! :grouphug:

:heart:

Destee
 

Enki

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Yeah ... the person might not be here, they may not even exist ... we could speculate a host of different things ... but right now, all we know for sure is that no one is laying claim to being that person. I'm not trying to absolve him of any fault, i just don't think the small misstep he made warrants the verbal flogging he's received. These type of threads rarely fail in getting responses, it's just that the knee-jerk responses they've gotten in the past are fewer and fewer ... a testament to our growing beyond emotional reactions to such.
Which is why I'm conceding to your logic, it's the sound thing to do. I don't want to be the one that perpetuate a situation that is on it's way to being phased out. And now that you have pointed this out, I could have limited my involvement. Thank you for this enlightenment!!!



Yeah ... you can't walk in the door talking krazee ... but if you've been here awhile ... we have more in which to assess the situation.
Yes this is true and he should be given a chance, and afforded more understanding. The problem maybe is that I don't know him as well as many of you. And I'm willing to admit that.




Oh My Gosh ... :) ... No ... if someone came in talking about light skinned members with kids ... i would absolutely not think they were talking about me! :eeek: ... oh my gosh no ... :eeek: ... that is so weird for you to even use that as an example describing me, or thinking of me in that manner ... i've NEVER considered myself light skinned ... :eeek: ... as BLACK as i am ... ??? ... please ... and while lots of things have been said about single black mothers here ... i don't take them all personal, thinking someone is talking about me specifically ... no ... i'd not think that. I am though, very protective of single black mothers in general, and will often get in those discussions to defend all the single black mothers in the world (to the degree that i can) ... but no ... i don't take all such commentary personal.
Now this hurts my feelings....:(

Do you really think I would attack you? You have always been nice, kind, and helpful every since I came here. Why would I intentionally say something that's injurious? I'm hurt because looking at the admiration you know I have for you, you would give me more credit. I sincerely apologize if my example offended you, that was not my intent. My aim was to show that a description can have elements in it that can apply to many people, even though they are not the intended target.



Even this thread should be a testament to my not taking stuff personal. I'm Destee, and this thread title has Destee in it, talking about the Destee Members in a general way
Yes, I noticed this. Some boards don't even allow this type of thread.


In fact, i'm reminded of a situation from years ago, when a Member called me a Negress. Some members got so mad that i was called that, they wanted that member banned immediately ... but i was not offended at all ... i saw no violation. Some members left right then and there, promising never to return, because i did not take offense to being called a Negress.
Honestly, I have to agree with them. I wouldn't leave, but I would demand that you be shown a certain amount of respect. I simply don't like that word, and I don't allow myself to be called that when I'm in a conversation....It's a personal choice.



I have to lead the way, set the example, and if i'm getting mad at every turn the chances are great that everyone else will too ... and worse ... we'll never grow to a place where we look past the words and see the pain, the opportunity for healing, the chance to grow beyond the reactionary low level thinking that hinders our forward movement.
I see your point and agree...we kewl sista...:toast:




Just 'cause someone says something doesn't mean you have to take it personal ... but you can if you wanna.
You right, but some times people just say the wrong thing on the wrong day.



It's a process, learning how to do that, filtering what one says ... and everyone hasn't learned how to do it yet ... so when you / i see someone that hasn't learned ... i just give 'em 50 feet ... and maybe they can learn it right here. Even our spirituality / religious threads have come a long way over the years, folk are much more civil, lots of progress has been made. Even with that though, if you have strong opinion on a topic, that can be presented respectfully and without (too much) disruption, it's welcome .... you don't have to not share your opinion because there are others present with different opinion ... for that's what makes great discussion and opportunity for learning.
It's just I've seen where some religious folk take things to the extreme, and it's a daunting task at time to combat speculation with facts. It's just one of those subject I'm learned to pick my fights when it's needed.



If someone started such a thread ... and we actually have some rape discussions with that kind of energy in them ... all one can do is argue their point of view, if they are so inclined. Taking another person's opinion personal, just because it came out of their mouth is kraziness to me. Just like if someone started a thread that said, "People who get wet in the rain are stupid" ... would not warrant a response from me ... even though i've gotten wet in the rain many times. To me, it would be more indicative of them, and not me. I'd not take it personal or consider their opinion a violation.
Everybody don't have your level of understanding, tolerance, and compassion. I purposely turned down jobs, or avoided situation that I knew I didn't have the character for. With that said, you would be surprise how many posts I over look that I could easily take offense to for the reasons you stated here....



No one was on you Brother ... you thot they were on you ... but they never even called your name.
Names aren't always required...you know this. I knew he didn't call my name, I responded to the description he used along with the word "members". You keep forgetting, he made two threads with the same rant. One for black people, which he changed to Destee members, and a second one specifically calling our Destee members. And Destee members responded to both. Why make you thread inclusive, if you have a problem with one member?



For example ... and i really hate using this example ... but it's perfect.

Brother MS234 came in that thread thinking my warning was about him, that i was talking to him, even though i never called his name. He took that and picked it up, put it on his back, and was ready to fight ... but it wasn't even about him ... knee-jerk, reactionary, emotional response ... had he just chilled on out ... stepped back for a second ... he'd be welcome to be here now ... but nope ... he wanted my commentary to be all about him, and well, i obliged him.
Yes, this is the perfect example.

I read your post, here it is:


Brothers ... the contention between you all has already been addressed in a management capacity.

I've asked everyone to disengage for the sake of our peace ... as i won't keep babysitting this.

Brother Perfection is entitled to share his opinion, whether you agree with him or not.

At this point, an already disruptive situation is being fueled, and i'll hold you responsible if you continue.

It's best to use the ignore feature if you don't like a person or what they are saying.

Thanks in advance.
When I popped into that thread, I only saw about 3 or 4 bruthas going back and fourth, he was one of them. So why should he have thought you weren't talking to him when he was one of the participants? I knew this post was not meant for me because I was not one of them.




Likewise ... you're making this be about you ... when i don't think it is ... but you can think that if you want.
No it was not about me, it was about the disrespect of a sista...plain and simple. Also he made it about me in his title, along with a comment that can be applied to me.






I'm not suggesting that all life situations should be managed like this community is, it's just that our specific goals require us to give each other a little room, the benefit of the doubt, think the best instead of the worst, give each other the consideration we'd want if we were in that same place ... stuff like that ... but ... it won't apply across the board, everywhere in life ... it's just for this community ... its very specific purpose(s) ... healing ourselves, forgiving each other, growing beyond the differences if at all possible.
I agree with one exception. Allowing these types of threads can have an adverse effect if people are having a bad day so to feel better, they'll just come on dump on board members. IMO, everything get old after a while.


I responded previously that i am pleading his case, but that's not entirely true. I'm just trying to explain my view of it all ... as i can't speak to everything he said word for word ... though i do understand and agree with some of what he said.

Thanks for the double side explanation ... kewl ... :)
I have no qualms with it, you are consistent, I've seen you do it before.:toast:






My "pleading his case" is really my attempt at sharing a little bit about how the community is managed, a big picture view of it, if you will. There's always more to it (my decisions) than meets the eye, and it's nice to be able to share some of it, help you (and everyone) see where i am so yall can help me stay there or get there ... just in case i lose my footing.

Thanks for letting me share, as it's a rare pleasure for me these days.

Love You! :grouphug:
You got my support as always my sista.....

Luv ya too :grouphug:
 

ibrahim

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wow. i have been off this forum for so long. I miss you all.
Brother rapchild i think i going through what i went through when i first sign up to Destee. Caused a lot of controversy with my very first post. Destee and brother James from Philly would remember this. haha.

In my line of work(tourism/disaster management) i have come to understand that i must communicate differently with my brothers/sisters in America and those from Europe. Its all English but it's different.
So i have learned to get on well with you guys.
 
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