Black Parenting : Irresponsible mothers..

IFE

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Yes Sister ... that is his Father ... and i hate to say this ... but you picked him.

If he has not lived up to your expectations (or any reasonable person's) ... there were probably signs prior to the conception of the child. I remember when i was fretting about my ex to my Mother, she said, "You had to have seen some of this before now." ... and the fact is, we usually do, but are willing to write off some isms for the sake of love and stuff ... especially when we're young. Unfortunately though, those things we look past often end up manifesting themselves in the worst of ways later on down the road.

I would not hold this against him. He ultimately did the right thing, and that is key. I would thank him instead (considering what the outcome might have been, if he did not act as responsibly as he did).

My Son useta have asthma attacks as a young child and anything could trigger it, much like allergies. I remember we were headed to the yearly state fair and just getting out of the car, preparing to pay to go in, and he said ... "Momma I can't breath." ... Gurl ... I only lived a few blocks from the fairground and did not know whether to race to the emergency room (which was further away) or just go home and let him do a breathing treatment. I was so panicked. Begging him to just hold on and let me get us home. We never made it to the fair. In fact, that was probably the end of our "Family Days at the Fair" ... there's only so much I can take.

In those moments, it's hard to know what is exactly right to do. I remember being very torn. Especially for a non-custodial male parent who doesn't normally have the baby, is not as familiar as Momma is ... he probably just panicked ... but he did do the right thing.

Yes, he's probably spent some years ashamed of this, but you could free him (and your Son) by letting it go. Give him some credit for ultimately doing the right thing ... :wink: ... in spite of CPS being there to take someone to jail ... :dblock:

Teaching your Son how to forgive his Father, also teaches him how to get his own children to forgive him.

No parent is perfect. We all need forgiveness for something or another.

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
No, I did not pick him, he picked me as his beard. He was functional drug addict. My job was to make him appear like a functional family man. Which was only possible because I didn't know he was an addict and very little about drugs.
How did he pick me? I came home one Friday after visiting planned parenthood, and told my friend with benefits, and roommate that I was pregnant. I was 24 years old.
I woke the next morning, headed for a cup of coffee, and saw his mother and sisters sitting in the living room. Within less than 24 hrs he had told everybody I was pregnant! I didn't have time to even think about anything.
Now his mother has me cornered, talking bout how we need to get married. We were good friends and roommates. We had never said we loved each other or made any plans to get married. We each did or own thing. I was still going to the after party. Now, I gotta think about getting married with his family around. I was trapped. His mother just assumed we wanted to get married. She arranged for a small wedding at her house the following weekend.
There were a lot of things I should have noticed, except I never planned to marry him. Heck, I didn't even notice he had a drug problem.
Im more angry because he told everybody I was pregnant before I could decide what I wanted to do. And why the heck would you marry someone when you know you have a drug problem.
When I told my current husband this, he said, you know that was a shotgun weeding:( No I didn't no that. But when I think about it, I have to say, yes it was. His Mother took care of everything and I married a friend and stranger.
We were such good friends. Never ment to be married. I didn't even know he had a big mouth and would tell everybody I was pregnant before talking to me.
If anything I should not have let him take my son at all, knowing he was a drug addict. I only let him take him because I knew he would leave him with his mother. His mother, who wanted my son. She was always complaining to me that she was tired of this or that and she was going to keep her grandson if such and such didn't Change. After having enough of her and her son I finally cursed her out and she settled down.
When my son graduated high school the first place he went was to visit his father. I never talked negatively about his father. What could I say? His father is a drug addict? I would not be able to answer any questions he might have asked. I didn't tell him why we divorced, because he was a drug addict, until he was old enough to understand - 16 yrs old.
After I divorced him, I didn't date for at least 2 Yrs. I was afraid for myself. If I picked him I didn't trust myself to pick another man. I was a single parent for 5 years before meeting my current spouse.
He has MS now, and in a wheelchair.
Because you have such great compassion for others, I won't say how I'm waiting for him to leave this world.
I don't remember speaking at all while his mother was planning my life. Don't remember saying anything.
Offer me one million dollars and I still wont remember our wedding date.
He chose to not visit his son. He did pay child support, court ordered from his pay check, until his son graduated high school.
The kicker is I lived with a drug addict, not knowing he was a drug addict.
I think I lived in a drug house.
That's why I want to help this young lady. I think this man is using her house to deal drugs from, and she's afraid. When I look at her I see myself at her age.
 

Destee

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No, I did not pick him, he picked me as his beard. He was functional drug addict. My job was to make him appear like a functional family man. Which was only possible because I didn't know he was an addict and very little about drugs.
How did he pick me? I came home one Friday after visiting planned parenthood, and told my friend with benefits, and roommate that I was pregnant. I was 24 years old.
I woke the next morning, headed for a cup of coffee, and saw his mother and sisters sitting in the living room. Within less than 24 hrs he had told everybody I was pregnant! I didn't have time to even think about anything.
Now his mother has me cornered, talking bout how we need to get married. We were good friends and roommates. We had never said we loved each other or made any plans to get married. We each did or own thing. I was still going to the after party. Now, I gotta think about getting married with his family around. I was trapped. His mother just assumed we wanted to get married. She arranged for a small wedding at her house the following weekend.
There were a lot of things I should have noticed, except I never planned to marry him. Heck, I didn't even notice he had a drug problem.
Im more angry because he told everybody I was pregnant before I could decide what I wanted to do. And why the heck would you marry someone when you know you have a drug problem.
When I told my current husband this, he said, you know that was a shotgun weeding:( No I didn't no that. But when I think about it, I have to say, yes it was. His Mother took care of everything and I married a friend and stranger.
We were such good friends. Never ment to be married. I didn't even know he had a big mouth and would tell everybody I was pregnant before talking to me.
If anything I should not have let him take my son at all, knowing he was a drug addict. I only let him take him because I knew he would leave him with his mother. His mother, who wanted my son. She was always complaining to me that she was tired of this or that and she was going to keep her grandson if such and such didn't Change. After having enough of her and her son I finally cursed her out and she settled down.
When my son graduated high school the first place he went was to visit his father. I never talked negatively about his father. What could I say? His father is a drug addict? I would not be able to answer any questions he might have asked. I didn't tell him why we divorced, because he was a drug addict, until he was old enough to understand - 16 yrs old.
After I divorced him, I didn't date for at least 2 Yrs. I was afraid for myself. If I picked him I didn't trust myself to pick another man. I was a single parent for 5 years before meeting my current spouse.
He has MS now, and in a wheelchair.
Because you have such great compassion for others, I won't say how I'm waiting for him to leave this world.
I don't remember speaking at all while his mother was planning my life. Don't remember saying anything.
Offer me one million dollars and I still wont remember our wedding date.
He chose to not visit his son. He did pay child support, court ordered from his pay check, until his son graduated high school.
The kicker is I lived with a drug addict, not knowing he was a drug addict.
I think I lived in a drug house.
That's why I want to help this young lady. I think this man is using her house to deal drugs from, and she's afraid. When I look at her I see myself at her age.


uhhhh ... what i meant was you picked him to have sex with ... which is how he became your child's Father.

It's the oldest method of creating children and ... well ... i didn't mean to stir up ugly memories.

I'm of the opinion that we all have to accept our part in our own lives.

No one makes us do anything ... especially as adults ... without a gun pointed at us (or something like that).

Sometimes, looking back over our lives, we might do different if we could ... but those are not options we have.

We all have to accept the path our lives have taken ... that we chose ... and accept full responsibility for it.

Otherwise we spend all of the years blaming someone else for what took place in our own lives.

People do that. I hear them, but I do not understand how they easily relinquish responsibility of their own self.

I got pregnant at 16 ... my Son's Father was much older than me ... i could blame him ... but ... i never did.

I was an active participant in the decision making process, even though, i had no clue about all things.

We never really got along in a great big way, but he didn't do me nuth'n that i didn't want.

I was acting "fast" ... had no business carrying on ... i fully accept my life and would do nothing to change it.

You almost sound like a 24 year old grown woman victim ... the way you're telling this story.

I'm not especially comfortable discussing the intimate details of your life, it is so personal.

Of course you're free to tell your story how you see it and I will respect that.

You're the best! ... :love:

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here with us.

I think these discussions are good, opportunities for others to learn.

It's not always easy revealing the innermost going ons in our lives.

We need more Sisters like you!

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 

Destee

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Because you have such great compassion for others, I won't say how I'm waiting for him to leave this world.


You know what Sister ... because you are so sweet and wonderful, compassionate too, evidenced throughout this thread ... your care and concern for the young Mother and her children ... i am going to speak specifically to the above.

I don't know where i heard this or learned this or got this from ... but ... maybe it goes back to that old saying ... "if you dig one ditch, dig two." ... one for the one you want to go in the ditch and one for yourself ... maybe it's a by-product of that old saying ... but ... you gotta be really careful waiting (wishing) for folk to die.

The one that you want to live the longest ... could be the recipient of the energy you put in the atmosphere.

I'm real careful about such things, as i do not want to bring any harm to the ones i love the most.

There is no person that i do not like, "hate", can't stand, etc., enough, to wish death upon them.

My reasons are actually quite selfish ... :)

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 

IFE

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Jan 20, 2015
3,041
498
uhhhh ... what i meant was you picked him to have sex with ... which is how he became your child's Father.

It's the oldest method of creating children and ... well ... i didn't mean to stir up ugly memories.

I'm of the opinion that we all have to accept our part in our own lives.

No one makes us do anything ... especially as adults ... without a gun pointed at us (or something like that).

Sometimes, looking back over our lives, we might do different if we could ... but those are not options we have.

We all have to accept the path our lives have taken ... that we chose ... and accept full responsibility for it.

Otherwise we spend all of the years blaming someone else for what took place in our own lives.

People do that. I hear them, but I do not understand how they easily relinquish responsibility of their own self.

I got pregnant at 16 ... my Son's Father was much older than me ... i could blame him ... but ... i never did.

I was an active participant in the decision making process, even though, i had no clue about all things.

We never really got along in a great big way, but he didn't do me nuth'n that i didn't want.

I was acting "fast" ... had no business carrying on ... i fully accept my life and would do nothing to change it.

You almost sound like a 24 year old grown woman victim ... the way you're telling this story.

I'm not especially comfortable discussing the intimate details of your life, it is so personal.

Of course you're free to tell your story how you see it and I will respect that.

You're the best! ... :love:

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here with us.

I think these discussions are good, opportunities for others to learn.

It's not always easy revealing the innermost going ons in our lives.

We need more Sisters like you!

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
We chose each other to be roommates because we were friends. The sex was just because. I've never felt like a victim in that marriage. I can only look back at the marriage in retrospect, since I didn't know he was a drug addict during the marriage. The marriage was a fraud. I do wonder how naive I was to not see so much.
I was a victim for a long time from being attacked with a man hiding in my car. I had to force and teach myself to stop feeling like a victim.
I do give him credit for not ever letting me see him do drugs, and especially for not introducing me to drugs.
He is not a good person.
His older son, by another woman, drove his truck thru his father house. He was full of anger at his father. He told my son, from prison, to stay away from him. He is not a good person. He was never there for him. He didn't show up for him when he was arrested. Never came to court. He served 25 years in prison and his father never came to visit.
 

IFE

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You know what Sister ... because you are so sweet and wonderful, compassionate too, evidenced throughout this thread ... your care and concern for the young Mother and her children ... i am going to speak specifically to the above.

I don't know where i heard this or learned this or got this from ... but ... maybe it goes back to that old saying ... "if you dig one ditch, dig two." ... one for the one you want to go in the ditch and one for yourself ... maybe it's a by-product of that old saying ... but ... you gotta be really careful waiting (wishing) for folk to die.

The one that you want to live the longest ... could be the recipient of the energy you put in the atmosphere.

I'm real careful about such things, as i do not want to bring any harm to the ones i love the most.

There is no person that i do not like, "hate", can't stand, etc., enough, to wish death upon them.

My reasons are actually quite selfish ... :)

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
He's still a drug addict. My son, even as an adult, still visits him occasionally. I asked him why are you visiting him. When he replied "I'm still hoping he will change, Ma. I heard the voice of that little boy waiting for his father to show up. He knows he still an addict. My son has never done hard drugs.
I don't wish for his dad to die. Not really. I agree with the 2 graves anology.
Thanks for the replies.
I don't think I'll be reporting my young friend. She is open to listening. I'll be there for her and the kids. She's not off the hook. She has to kick that man out and take back her home. We need a plan to get him out.
 

Destee

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We chose each other to be roommates because we were friends. The sex was just because. I've never felt like a victim in that marriage. I can only look back at the marriage in retrospect, since I didn't know he was a drug addict during the marriage. The marriage was a fraud. I do wonder how naive I was to not see so much.
I was a victim for a long time from being attacked with a man hiding in my car. I had to force and teach myself to stop feeling like a victim.
I do give him credit for not ever letting me see him do drugs, and especially for not introducing me to drugs.
He is not a good person.
His older son, by another woman, drove his truck thru his father house. He was full of anger at his father. He told my son, from prison, to stay away from him. He is not a good person. He was never there for him. He didn't show up for him when he was arrested. Never came to court. He served 25 years in prison and his father never came to visit.


Okay ... that was my point ... that you picked him to have sex with.

Many young ladies, myself included, pick men to have sex with that we should not be having sex with.

If I were smarter, wiser, I might have done different ... i suppose ... it's all water under the bridge now.

Who knows, I may have done the exact same thing ... there's no real way of knowing.

All we have is what we did ... the facts ... and anything else is pure conjecture.

Sister IFE ... let me say, with my whole heart, that you are so wonderful ... :grouphug:

Not everyone can take me talking to them as pointed as i've grown to do over the years.

Especially as it relates to anything personal ... OMG ... not everyone can do this ... :flowers:

I am honored to be able to have this discussion with you ... :bowdown:

I admire your willingness to stay in this with me ... :)

Sister Sister Sister ... Thank You Thank You Thank You! ... :love:

Much Much Love and Peace.

:heart:

Destee

::::
::::

ps ... i am not going to speak on your ex-husband but since you put it out here, it's not good to talk ugly about him ... even no matter what he did ... he is still your Son's Father and due a certain amount of respect even if he never did anything else in his whole life ... you even say that he protected you from the drugs, you never saw them, he never turned you out, none of that ... which would have been do-able considering your naivety ... plus and in closing ... being naive does not make one a victim ... i mean ... you can claim it ... but the key is to learn and not be naive ... the world will always eat the naive alive ... they will just be eaten and dead ... gone from the planet ... and their victim status will mean nothing, if they can lay claim to it ... it's not a free pass ... just say you were naive ... we all have been ... that in and of itself, does not equal victim. If you are a victim due to naivety, then you are a victim of your naivety, not necessarily a victim of the person taking advantage of your naivety ... if you see what i mean? Okay ... you have given me a green light to talk ... but i'm finna stop ... i promise ... Love You! :kiss:

::::
:::
 

IFE

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Okay ... that was my point ... that you picked him to have sex with.

Many young ladies, myself included, pick men to have sex with that we should not be having sex with.

If I were smarter, wiser, I might have done different ... i suppose ... it's all water under the bridge now.

Who knows, I may have done the exact same thing ... there's no real way of knowing.

All we have is what we did ... the facts ... and anything else is pure conjecture.

Sister IFE ... let me say, with my whole heart, that you are so wonderful ... :grouphug:

Not everyone can take me talking to them as pointed as i've grown to do over the years.

Especially as it relates to anything personal ... OMG ... not everyone can do this ... :flowers:

I am honored to be able to have this discussion with you ... :bowdown:

I admire your willingness to stay in this with me ... :)

Sister Sister Sister ... Thank You Thank You Thank You! ... :love:

Much Much Love and Peace.

:heart:

Destee

::::
::::

ps ... i am not going to speak on your ex-husband but since you put it out here, it's not good to talk ugly about him ... even no matter what he did ... he is still your Son's Father and due a certain amount of respect even if he never did anything else in his whole life ... you even say that he protected you from the drugs, you never saw them, he never turned you out, none of that ... which would have been do-able considering your naivety ... plus and in closing ... being naive does not make one a victim ... i mean ... you can claim it ... but the key is to learn and not be naive ... the world will always eat the naive alive ... they will just be eaten and dead ... gone from the planet ... and their victim status will mean nothing, if they can lay claim to it ... it's not a free pass ... just say you were naive ... we all have been ... that in and of itself, does not equal victim. If you are a victim due to naivety, then you are a victim of your naivety, not necessarily a victim of the person taking advantage of your naivety ... if you see what i mean? Okay ... you have given me a green light to talk ... but i'm finna stop ... i promise ... Love You! :kiss:

::::
:::
Thanks for the words in bold. I'll be using them.
victim of your naivety (I like that).
 

Destee

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He's still a drug addict. My son, even as an adult, still visits him occasionally. I asked him why are you visiting him. When he replied "I'm still hoping he will change, Ma. I heard the voice of that little boy waiting for his father to show up. He knows he still an addict. My son has never done hard drugs.
I don't wish for his dad to die. Not really. I agree with the 2 graves anology.
Thanks for the replies.
I don't think I'll be reporting my young friend. She is open to listening. I'll be there for her and the kids. She's not off the hook. She has to kick that man out and take back her home. We need a plan to get him out.


Yes Yes Yes Sister ... see ... i see you as an Inspector Gadget ... coming up with the plan! :)

Yessss ... if you can help her to get rid of that guy, that will be great!

( i'm over here thinking ... okay ... plan a - step a ... :lol: )

It's good that she will listen to you. That shows that she is not as far gone as some may think.

It also means that you have touched her heart and given her to know there may be hope.

That is beautiful. I do hope it works out and please keep us posted.

Even no matter how it ends, i'm confident that you will have done all that you could.

You've already done more than most, more than her own Mother (it seems, by hanging in there with her).

Section 8 is not even available anymore i've heard, if she loses it, she will never get it back.

At least that is how i have heard folk talk about it.

Yes, let your Son long for his Father, visit him, want him, hope for him, all of that.

I think it's a part of the process and whatever the end may be, let him work that out inside of his self.

I know you do. I know you don't discourage him from his Father, else there would be no relationship now.

So much is on the shoulders of Mothers raising children alone, having to keep that line of communication open between children and Fathers ... men that we don't even want to talk with ourselves, yet having to teach the children to keep it open. He is his Father. He may not be a drug addict, may not have taken on the worst of his vices, but he is his Father (just as he is his Mother) and deserves that relationship ... whatever relationship the Father has in him to give him ... it is his. Help him get it. I think it will go a long way in his old years, knowing his Mother helped him love his Father - even if his Father didn't seem too actively involved in the effort.

You're the BEST!!!! ... :love:

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 

Destee

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Sister IFE ... i want to say too ... :look:

I said above ... (i'm over here thinking ... okay ... plan a - step a )

But you are well beyond plan a - step a.

Gurl ... looks like you're at plan zwrvg 'nem - step 782444 - part 34 ... :lol:

You have been living this, laboring with and caring for this young Family.

Lots of work had to go in, to get where you are already, let alone the goal.

You remind me of Sister QueenTswana ... God Bless Her ... did you know Sister Queen?

She had that kind of Spirit and energy too, right in the thick of things, helping others.

Like you, she did it for many too ... i thank God for her and still wonder how she did it.

It's heart-wrenching, time consuming, unpaid work - that you can only do if you care.

Those that would do such are few and far between. I have not seen many.

Thank you for the great example you have given ... :bowdown:


I wanted to correct myself ... because you are well beyond step a plan a ... :weights:

Let me just move out the way ... :) ... :imout: ... :love:

Love You!

:heart:

Destee
 

IFE

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Jan 20, 2015
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She has gotten a Immediate Temporary Restraining Order against him. Temporary until she goes before a judge. He will be removed from the home. Should already be gone.
Black women don't want to take these type of actions. We hate getting the system involved in our mans life. She tried and it didn't work. She and her children will be fine.
She filed for a 2 year restraining order yesterday.

Thank you Sister Destee for listening and replying. I did talk to her about being nieve(sp). I gave her my NO FEAR talk. She's got 3 kids, 2 girls. You don't got time for fear, you have to protect your kids from this man. Don't be afraid of what he may do.:hug:Big hugs for Sister Destee. I'm thinking how I haven't discussed her situation with anyone in RL. Talking about it here really helped me help her. :blowkiss:
 

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