Black Parenting : I'm white and need help with my niece.

Heather

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 18, 2015
27
5
Heather...

i missed your initial post, but i think i see where you're coming from. A question: is the mother saying her daughter is white because she don't think her daughter will be accepted by her family...because she's biracial? Or, is she saying her daughter is white because she--the mother--is burying her blackness...and want to be identified as white? Or, is their a third something that's put her on this path?

as Destee said, you cannot undermine the mother to the daughter, however, in understanding where the mother is coming from, you may be able to help the mother regain her center...if...in deed...her center has been lost.

Sorry, I felt like I should delete it.

What's happening is her mom is black, and she is racist towards black people. She denies that racism even exists. She says bad things too. My niece is accepted by both families, to my understanding.

I can't really say why she is this way. If I had to bet, from what I know, she came from a violent country. If I were to guess, I think this is where the racism is coming from. She seems pretty comfortable that she is black, but she doesn't like it in others. It's so hard to wrap my mind around. I don't know if she's trying to bury her blackness... but she is burying it in my niece. I can't speak as to why. I can only speculate, and I feel like it's not something I can address to help her regain her center.

I just listen to my niece. It's like she knows somewhere in her heart/mind that side of her is being suppressed. I can say that with certainty.

I'm not trying to dive in and tell her how to address race. I spend so much time with this little girl, who is comfortable to talk and ask anything, she is giving me red flags. Mom doesn't think there is a problem. It's like I'm talking to a wall. I stopped trying to get her mom to talk about it. And I just let my niece explore when she's with me. Music is really helping, I think. It's a common ground for both of us. She learned how to put on records and we just dance it out. I know her mom doesn't want me to nurture this. I pass it off as just music, but its more than that. I'm being sneaky and I don't know if it's wrong. I'm not trying to undermine their relationship. Not at all. I feel like I don't know what to do because they both want different things.

btw: if any of the words I use are inappropriate, or I say something like a total *******, let me know so I can be better.
 

Heather

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 18, 2015
27
5
Well ... i don't know how messed up the situation is.

Everyone' burden to bear ... and in the great big picture ... all will be well.

An the baby's questions as best you can, staying in your place, since the Momma has already warned you.

You risk your relationship with the little girl - if the Mom even thot you were talking about her anywhere.

The fact that you're doing it here, means it is in you to do ... and it might slip out.

So ... let all of that go ... it's not like she's beating the child or mistreating her or anything.

She's entitled to hold whatever world view she'd like ... no matter if you like it or not.

Just love your niece, her Mother, your Brother, and quit feeling like the sky is falling.

Do you have children of your own?

Maybe you can help your niece by getting white folk to stop being racist.

Then, by the time she's an adult - her Mother's point of view might not be so far off.

I guess there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Yeah ... you're probably blowing this out of proportion ... perhaps imagining the horror of being black.

Just love the baby ... as long as the Momma will let you.

Much Love and Peace.

:heart:

Destee
Sorry, I just saw this.

I don't have kids. I've always been baby sitter to my cousins and now brother. My job gives me flexibility.

I know I said she seems crazy here. I don't talk about her to people. Trust me, people want to know things and have been bugging me for years. I haven't cracked.

Im panicked because my niece is repeating these things. Theres sadness (or release of) from her when I tell her what she says isnt true. I end up talking her out of the ideas. I dunno, maybe I am overreacting. I dont know whats normal.

I do work on white people. I've always felt like that was my place to make a difference. But like, now I have a family member who gets this sad look before she says things and hugs me tight by the end of the talk. I dunno what is my place. :'/
 

Kemetstry

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Feb 19, 2001
26,948
7,750
Detroit
Occupation
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Kemetstry

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Feb 19, 2001
26,948
7,750
Detroit
Occupation
Chemist
Sorry, I felt like I should delete it.

What's happening is her mom is black, and she is racist towards black people. She denies that racism even exists. She says bad things too. My niece is accepted by both families, to my understanding.

I can't really say why she is this way. If I had to bet, from what I know, she came from a violent country. If I were to guess, I think this is where the racism is coming from. She seems pretty comfortable that she is black, but she doesn't like it in others. It's so hard to wrap my mind around. I don't know if she's trying to bury her blackness... but she is burying it in my niece. I can't speak as to why. I can only speculate, and I feel like it's not something I can address to help her regain her center.

I just listen to my niece. It's like she knows somewhere in her heart/mind that side of her is being suppressed. I can say that with certainty.

I'm not trying to dive in and tell her how to address race. I spend so much time with this little girl, who is comfortable to talk and ask anything, she is giving me red flags. Mom doesn't think there is a problem. It's like I'm talking to a wall. I stopped trying to get her mom to talk about it. And I just let my niece explore when she's with me. Music is really helping, I think. It's a common ground for both of us. She learned how to put on records and we just dance it out. I know her mom doesn't want me to nurture this. I pass it off as just music, but its more than that. I'm being sneaky and I don't know if it's wrong. I'm not trying to undermine their relationship. Not at all. I feel like I don't know what to do because they both want different things.

btw: if any of the words I use are inappropriate, or I say something like a total *******, let me know so I can be better.


1. What country is she originally from?

2. I take it she doesn't have any black relatives here?





.
 

Heather

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 18, 2015
27
5
1. What country is she originally from?

2. I take it she doesn't have any black relatives here?





.
I'm not comfortable with saying where she is from. I'm really speculating what her problem is and I don't know who is reading this.

But no, she really doesn't have her family nearby. They've visited here once.

I feel like my line between white person and aunt can't be clean. And like, when my niece repeats things to me, the conversation isn't about "my mom said." I do keep a positive image with my niece. She doesn't have negative feelings towards her, she just can't go to her regarding this.
 

Heather

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 18, 2015
27
5
I'm thinking a lot about the things said to me here.

I'm feeling like there is understanding that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm also getting that I need to be extra careful not to mess up their relationship. I didn't really put together that nurturing this could cause problems between them. I'm positive when it comes to her mom because she's her mom. As a woman, I understand how crucial that relationship is.

So, thank you for helping me this far. :)
 

MS234

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Mar 1, 2010
4,469
3,865
Really. That's what you gonna do. In my face. Okay.

:heart:

Destee
I apologize if you feel this way. My comments were not meant to drive somebody away or make someone feel unwelcomed. I didn't not encouraged her to delete her post. She did that on her own.

I took offense to some of the terms used to describe a situation that was said this type of behavior was not acceptable to the poster.

I should have used a different approach.
 

Kemetstry

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Feb 19, 2001
26,948
7,750
Detroit
Occupation
Chemist

I'm not comfortable with saying where she is from. I'm really speculating what her problem is and I don't know who is reading this. Ok, I'm not understanding why this makes a difference? You have already entered a public forum for advice. And I doubt, if she is as you described, one who frequents black sites. Whatever happened in the mom's past, she is now infecting her child with. That is the key. I submit this is why she chose to mate with a white male.

But no, she really doesn't have her family nearby. They've visited here once.

I feel like my line between white person and aunt can't be clean. And like, when my niece repeats things to me, the conversation isn't about "my mom said." I do keep a positive image with my niece. She doesn't have negative feelings towards her, she just can't go to her regarding this. There are many cultural and ethnic things she can be shown, read and be taken to for her positive self image





.
 

Heather

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 18, 2015
27
5
I'm not comfortable with saying where she is from. I'm really speculating what her problem is and I don't know who is reading this. Ok, I'm not understanding why this makes a difference? You have already entered a public forum for advice. And I doubt, if she is as you described, one who frequents black sites. Whatever happened in the mom's past, she is now infecting her child with. That is the key. I submit this is why she chose to mate with a white male.

But no, she really doesn't have her family nearby. They've visited here once.

I feel like my line between white person and aunt can't be clean. And like, when my niece repeats things to me, the conversation isn't about "my mom said." I do keep a positive image with my niece. She doesn't have negative feelings towards her, she just can't go to her regarding this. There are many cultural and ethnic things she can be shown, read and be taken to for her positive self image





.
My issue with it is that I am already uncomfortable. I don't understand the complete impact of what I am saying. I feel like I don't know enough to even say what her problem is, and anything I can say is speculation. She doesn't want to talk to me about these things, and I understand that. I don't see how what country changes it. In terms of I don't know who is reading this, I don't mean her, but I mean I don't how that lands. I was ganged up on because my intentions were misunderstood, and I'm ignorant on what's appropriate. (I'm not criticizing them for it, I get that I'm dense) I already made people uncomfortable, I don't want to do that again.

I think you're right about why she dated my brother. They did have a good relationship. I don't think him being white was the entire reason. They had marriage in mind before the child was born. Toward the end of their relationship, she started getting really angry. Their relationship ended. Now she only keeps white people in her company, and started saying messed up things. My friends (people that know her independent of me) commented that she's nice but they noticed a huge change in her. I think my niece picks up on that negativity.

My real purpose is wondering if I'm messing up my niece. If I should just back off totally, I want to be told to back off from her. If there could be some good in me trying to nurture her, I want to know that it's okay. I don't understand the effects of exploring this part of herself through her white aunt. If it's a recipe for disaster, I want to know.

I think what I have to do is read more on the needs of biracial children, and learn how to ask better questions.

Thank you for talking with me :)

(I don't know if you read what I said earlier.... I tried talking with her. She told me that I better stay in my place and not go there. As far as I am concerned, I've been warned. I have to respect that. Her and I can talk about boyfriends, work, family stuff, things in the news, but I can't touch racial issues, or her past)
 
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