The Front Porch : I need my sister's thoughts!

trying2dorite

New Member
MEMBER
Sep 9, 2012
1
1
Hello
I have a question for my sisters. I have been married to my wife for 20 years with 3 children. The first 3/4 of the marriage I was the sole provider, she stayed at home or had small jobs off and on. I became disabled and have been fighting for disability for the last couple of years. She has had to step up and get a job to support the family. Although I still contribute with being active with the children and small financial contributions, I no longer can do what I use to do with my health getting worse.

My question is this. My wife has began to use curse words in arguments and developed a f--k you attitude. She makes major decisions without consulting me. See has this look in her eyes of disgust when she looks at me at times. It wouldn't be bad but her decisions are putting the family in financial strains, then she's turning on me because I am not producing the money to get us out of these situations. It gets worse.

When I was the sole provider we always made decisions together and was working in harmony, respect was intact and things appeared together. I am at the place I am beginning to look at the door. She comes home and don't trust food or drinks around me, she's going thru my cell phone. She keeps making comments about me possibly using her. When I was the sole provider she had free reigns with money. Now the shoe is on the other foot she's extremely cautious and paranoid that I might be using her. Please give your thoughts about where she's at what's going on from a woman's point of view. Thanks, God Bless.
 

Destee

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:hello: trying2dorite ... Welcome Welcome Welcome ... :wave:

Thanks for joining us and sharing!

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it sounds quite unfortunate to me.

Hmmmm ... after 20 years, 3 children, primarily financially caring for all, you have to face this ... not good.

I can't imagine where exactly your wife's mind and spirit is, but it doesn't seem to be in a good place ... in a place that is thinking and striving for ways to keep the family happy and together.

Maybe she's feeling some kind of way because you are no longer able to provide / perform in the manner that she had become accustomed to. Maybe she's thinking of all the pain she endured during the early years, lying, cheating, etc., if you gave her that, and now she's 'stuck' with caring for you forever ... unhappy at the beginning, throughout, and now nothing but unhappiness at the end and on the horizon. Maybe the only reason she stayed, the only thing that was good for her in it, was that you provided for her and the children, and now she doesn't even have that. Maybe she's thinking she's sacrificed enough of her happiness already. Maybe she wants out now, to cut her losses, but of course this depends on the quality of the 20 years. Maybe the weird behavior you see from her is the part that's oozing out, her disappointment and dissatisfaction ... trying to keep it inside herself ... but ultimately, no matter how much we try to keep it hidden, what's inside does come out. Maybe you are "trying2dorite" now, and it's a day late and a dollar short.

Have you talked to her about this, like you are talking to us? After 20 years, babies, everything, the two of you should be able to sneak away to a quiet place, where the children are not present, and work this out. Let her know how you are feeling, say everything ... and allow her to do the same ... hold her ... let her know that you understand how she feels (if she shares her feelings with you) ... and like all other things in the 20 year marriage, you believe yall can work this out too.

I hope she hasn't given up emotionally, mentally, leaving only the actual physical separation to manifest itself. You may be able to intervene, help her deal with whatever disappointment and dissatisfaction she may be experiencing ... or whatever it is ... let her know you understand, or at least are willing to try ... apologies may be in order ... maybe this will help, as i'm sure you want to heal your relationship.

Ultimately though, it doesn't sound like she's in a good place, which is leaving you and the family in a 'not so good place' too. That's not fair. From the outside looking in, she appears a bit selfish, but of course i don't really know. No matter though, you deserve happiness too, safety, peace ... and it's a terrible thing to feel you can't trust the food and drink your spouse offers you ... that is terrible ... bad signs ... so if saving your relationship is your hope ... you have to come together, talk, hug, cry, and put everything on the table ... all you got ... both of you ... for it appears you're experiencing what might be the end of a 20 year marriage ... or at least ... the end of peace and tranquility in your life, should yall choose to remain within the marriage operating like it is.

I do wish you the best, and hopefully other Members will have better advice, suggestion, and or opinion than i.

Much Love and Peace.

:heart:

Destee
 

alycia

Active Member
MEMBER
Nov 30, 2011
29
34
You sound identical to a couple I know--too identical. I will say this: Destee hit a lot of things right, esp the part about things that may have happened in the earlier part of the marriage, and maybe some things form recently that aren't because you aren't bringing in money. Has your attitude ever been stank with her for whatever reasons, such as because you aren't working you may be getting a complex? Or acting jealous when she's out, even at work? Were you controlling or mean--like made her feel bad for asking for money from you--when you were bringing in the money? Whatever her reasons, if you are anything like the couple I'm thinking about, then it isn't about the money for the reasons she's behaving that way. As a matter of fact, I am hoping you are not who I think you are, because if you are then this isn't the entire truth. But if I'm wrong, please forgive that last statement.

I stick solely on this especially: the anger isn't about the money, I can almost guarantee it, esp if you're talking about folks being scared of their food being poisoned (just like the man that I know and his wife).
 

Queenie

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Feb 9, 2001
7,137
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From a woman's point of view, there is more to your story than you have shared. You never described your emotional relationship with your wife and family prior to the situation changing.You just stated what you used to do and what she used to do. You never said you "love" her still. I don't know, maybe it's just me and the way I think, but I found that odd based on the story that you've shared.

If you love your wife and are truly wondering why she is behaving differently (if in fact she is) and if you want your relationship to improve, I hope you have exercised good judgment and asked her directly what's going on with her and that you shared with her how her treatment of you makes you feel. If you have done this, you didn't share with us her response. Not that I want to get all up in your personal business or anything, but since you came here to share your story with us, I think that would be important for us to know as well. At this point, we're only getting your side of the story and after 20 years of marriage and three kids, I'm sure there's more to your 'story' than you have revealed.

Instead of asking random strangers what we think is going on with your wife, you might want to consult with a marriage/family therapist to work on your problem. Working this through with your wife and a professional is the best way to keep your marriage together and in a healthy state.

Welcome to the community and I wish you the best with your wife and family.

Queenie
 

Caramel de leche

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Sep 9, 2012
118
79
I would love to hear both sides of the story, but if what you say is true, that hurts my heart to heart.

maybe she is angry and bitter that she no longer has you as the sole provider and takes it out on you. And maybe she feels you could be doing more or work a little bit harder. I was in a sitiuation where my s/o had some issues, but i knew he could do more and push himself but didnt and it frustrated me.
 
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