Daddy's Dirt

Nita

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Feb 9, 2001
3,096
15
Arkansas
Occupation
youth volunteer
Hello family,

I recently divorced from my husband. We were together 10 years, separated 3 of those. I had to leave him because he was starting to deal in some illegal activities. On top of that, he was drinking heavily and wouldn't return home sometimes for days. His friends are drug dealers, drunks, weedheads and thieves. None of them work or attempt to do better for themselves. My husband and his friends are always together, he even let's them stay with him.

Here's my problem

Me and my ex-husband are @ odds. He hardly ever comes to see his children. I say he visits about 6 or 7 times a year and he only lives 25 miles away from us. I have always allowed him to come and visit anytime he wants to.(with one exception, he was drunk and I wouldn't let him in) He just doesn't make time to visit them and I been fighting for him to support his children which he still wont do. Recently he has been wanting to keep my youngest, she's 2. I wont allow it because I feel she's too young. So much could happen to her and although she can talk, will she be able to make me understand if someone is doing bad things in front of her and tell me? Or worse if someone's touching her improperly?
I don't have problems with my oldest child wanting to visit him because he has broken so many promises to her that she does not desire to see him. My now 5 year old wants to see him, but I am still uneasy with it because of his lifestyle. I don't understand why he wont make the effort to change some things in his life to make it easy for me to feel comfortable with him keeping the children. I wouldn't dare let my friends or anyone keep me from seeing my children. Since I wont let him keep them, he wont even visit them. It hurts me, but the kids are the ones that are getting the short end of the stick.
God is going to judge me on how I raise my children. I am responsible for teaching and training them. If I mess up, I have to give an account. I am a very good mother. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, curse them, have men laying up in my house, or nothing that would be unacceptable as a parent. Am I wrong for not letting them go stay with him? Nita
 

SwtT

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Apr 8, 2003
2,752
29
Chicago, IL
Occupation
Educational/Human Resources field
Nita, ABSOULTELY NOT! you are NOT in the wrong here. Even though children NEED to see their father, it is the father who will not get his lfe together. It's as if he prefers smoking weed and doing any other illegal activites as too seeing his three kids. It also seems as if he needs some more growing up to do becuase any GOOD parent would change any harm in their lifestyle of they thought it would harm their children. Any thing could happen to your kids while they're around your ex-husband and whatever he's trying to do wrong at that moment. I applaud you for being such a good mother. You wrote in prevous forums that you becmae a mother at 17....not many seventeen-year old mothers raised their kids as you did, with love and concern:)
 

Nita

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Feb 9, 2001
3,096
15
Arkansas
Occupation
youth volunteer
Thank you SwtT

I give up so much of my life, wants and needs for my children . I want my children to be productive persons in this world. I will do all I can to see that they do. My parents took the time to raise me right. I will do the same for my children.
:thanks: so so much
:heart:
Nita
 

MrBlak

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
May 18, 2004
518
9
You re absolutely not wrong in this. No matter how excellent a mother you are, it will all go out the window, particularly with boys, if you allow them round someone thsy look up to who is doing illegal things. I have seen it recently where 16-17 years of good parenting and a good bright kid, went all wrong. The father lost a job, the family moved to a new city around relatives that were into crime and with the economic downturn, one son decided he needed money. Long story short, he ended up slingin coke and moving in bad circles and even got shot!! I dont know how he is doing now or if he has turned around though.

Your children will follow the examples set for them. If your man is into dealing, drugs, stealing and other stuff, those kids will pick up on it even if he tells them not to. Kids follow ACTIONS not talk, not church sermons, not readings......

It is best your man sees his kids at your house on your turf because then they will only see him when he is acting responsible. You seem to be doing a great job of not letting him act fool on your property so that is the only place the kids should see him....period.

You dont really need my advice so I just encourage you to do as you are doing. The right thing!!
 

panafrica

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Aug 24, 2002
10,227
192
The Diaspora
Nita:

As far as the infrequency of his visits...it sounds like your ex-husband is making your kids pay for the division between you. This is unfortunate, but many men do this. If you have reason to fear for your children's safety, then you are within your right to not let them stay with the father. In addition, I think it is a odd request to want to see 1 child in particular, and not all at once. Such favortism can only cause major problems.

Just one question though. Does your ex share custody of the kids, or do you have sole custody? This will be a major factor in what actions you can take. Lastly if he will not provide for the children voluntarily.....eventually you'll probably have to get court ordered child support from him.
 

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