Violaters / Violations : could be killed

THA HOOKUPMAN

Banned
MEMBER
Mar 4, 2004
334
17
DETROIT
Occupation
FRRE THINKER
could be killed its a old piece but i want to rewrite ...ideas???


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hold her naked body firmly in my hand…………
And I….close my eyes tightly…and ahhh..
Slowly bring her hole closer to my lips
…….and I …I and…and I …and I and I
Could be killed for what am thinking
Its beyond …….human experience
Could be killed for what am thinking
Drinking poison in my dreams
It seems that am moving past my past
Elementary school days past k to the 12th grade
Where every body knew that boogie down productions
Would always get paid
In full like Rakim
At least until black radio forgot him
The great rock bottom fell 12 levels below Sodom
Sold out
Now all the white national radio conglomerates
Got them
strung out
Like my old high school friend
Who uses to wear 3 different leather suits a day
And push the dime pieces in the jet black Benz
At least until he saw half his life end
Getting shot down on the roof of the projects
Now he just shoots up
on the roof of the projects

an yet even he has a longer life expectancy than me
Cause
I could be killed for what am thinking

I let her hole sit firmly on my tongue
And am just dieing for her to cum
I want her whole nine to just ejaculate straight thru my mind
I want her to cum so hard that she blows off my headpiece
So that I might finally have peace in my head, but
Instead I hear a million ancestors yell that
I have no right ta
Have no
Life
they tell me I am
Exzackly what comes after the ones that survived the middle passage
They tell me im directly descendent from the ones who thought it was
Punk shyit to
jump ship
The ones who mastered their masters
Those angels those gods that worked hellishly hard
From can’t see to can’t sea on the plantations
Slaving for the very same Satan that they created
They graphed their own masters

And every nite
Every nite a trillion bodies
Blacker than cooked soot on the bottom of a crack pipe
In a dark corner of the basement of a crack house
When the moon signals midnight
Sing to me

They sing that im the ungrateful realization of there dreams
They sing that im their social technologically spoil offspring
They sing since it took four hundred years of misery to bring me here
My suicide is not a acceptable offering

tHey sing I was
expressly put on this planet to speak dynamite to granite
That I was intended to spit tears into microphones
So that billions of disenfranchised black children might find their way back home
And I
Cry an I cry
Cause I
Im ashamed that
I could be killed for what im thinking
And I want her to cum so bad but I mange
I want her to
Cum
So bad but I mange
but I mange to pull the gun off of my tongue
turn my thoughts inadvisability in the direction
of black youth
and behold!!
Ejaculating out of my throat

Is the truth
 

MANASIAC

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Mar 10, 2004
1,904
37
ATL SHAWTY! Mr. Coli Park
Occupation
Technical Analyst
Brother HookUp I thought this was a great poem about suicide. However, I Think it looses it's power as a written work. This poem seems like a performance poem, and I think it has entirely too much energy, power, and just too much class to be razed to a pile of words. Brother Hookup you got to give this one to us in Audio baby. It is too gravy too be in words.

Lovely Piece, I had to recite it in my mind as if you were performing just so I Could feel it, because in it's written form, it really looses it's sprit.

Manasia.
 

1poetsought

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Jan 14, 2003
6,669
505
The Lone-Star State
Occupation
Poet
The HOOKUP

Don't kill it... HOOK it UP. Your desire to rewrite shows that your creative instincts are alive and well. Go with it, you've nothing to lose,your talent is unquestionable. Begin with the title; does it convey what it is you want to say in order to grab the reader at first glance? Does it represent entirely where THA HOOKUPMAN, is coming from? Do you want it as a performance piece, verse, or both? It's your baby... you have created it, and only you can raise it. I love your work and look forward to more from THA HOOKUPMAN. Peace.


:hammer:
 

Khasm13

STAFF
STAFF
Mar 26, 2003
10,818
4,251
dude...you ripped this spoken joint...the metaphors that you used with poetry being a gun was some nice ish bruh...i really don't wanna touch this joint, but since you asked...i will try to be helpful...

ok this line stuck me in the sense that i should be more dramatic since the statement from which it was derived is so profound and needed in today's society...

but I mange to pull the gun off of my tongue
turn my thoughts inadvisability in the direction
of black youth


i was thinking that inadvisability was not the best choice for this profound statement...our black youth need some serious help nowdays and your poetic gun can shoot some sense in their empty heads...so i think most would advise you to point click and shoot at da youngins...lol...maybe a word like promply or expertly would work better in this instance....

i hope i didn't get the meaning wrong when interpreting this piece...holla back at me...

one love
khasm
 

angelicsage

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
May 30, 2003
5,322
38
~The hidden library...~
as you already know...I loved this piece when I first read it
because the metaphor was so unexpected and the ending
was so powerful, however...now that I read it again
I would make one suggestion, in the beginning stanza
right here:
Drinking poison in my dreams
It seems that am moving past my past
Elementary school days past k to the 12th grade


I would make "what" the poison is, more defined
Also, after the 12th grade line...it gave me the feeling of
"life passing before the persons eyes"..."the thoughts before death or suicide"

but then you jumped to

Where every body knew that boogie down productions
Would always get paid
In full like Rakim
At least until black radio forgot him
The great rock bottom fell 12 levels below Sodom
Sold out


and so on...

But...I would have pulled the reader in a little deeper to the
personal experience of the person.../ In essence extended
the "life passing before the eyes" / I think you could get
very vivid and have lots of imagery in this part...but other
than that...

I must say...this is a piece, that a reader so "Longs" to hear...
because it is so powerful...in originality, style and message
and the ending...OMG...it still gives me chills.

Love you,
Sage
 

Elise

Member
MEMBER
Mar 9, 2005
5
0
that was one of the best poems i have read on here. how long have you been writing? ive been writing a short time, and i want to better my skills at it, but i am not sure how to do it... can you tell me what you did to help you get better when you were starting out?
 

$$RICH$$

Lyon King Admin.
STAFF
Mar 21, 2001
69,982
3,961
Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
Occupation
BUSINESS owner
to me this one is a spoken word flow
it hold much depth in it and written word
don't do it justice what i see is that you
may have express the (and i --i and )
a few times to many but over all it's
a awesome scribe but spoken word
will give it life .
 

Miannco

New Member
MEMBER
Apr 9, 2005
1
0
Why does this poem sound eerily like Taalam Acey's poem of the same name?

THA HOOKUPMAN said:
could be killed its a old piece but i want to rewrite ...ideas???


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hold her naked body firmly in my hand…………
And I….close my eyes tightly…and ahhh..
Slowly bring her hole closer to my lips
…….and I …I and…and I …and I and I
Could be killed for what am thinking
Its beyond …….human experience
Could be killed for what am thinking
Drinking poison in my dreams
It seems that am moving past my past
Elementary school days past k to the 12th grade
Where every body knew that boogie down productions
Would always get paid
In full like Rakim
At least until black radio forgot him
The great rock bottom fell 12 levels below Sodom
Sold out
Now all the white national radio conglomerates
Got them
strung out
Like my old high school friend
Who uses to wear 3 different leather suits a day
And push the dime pieces in the jet black Benz
At least until he saw half his life end
Getting shot down on the roof of the projects
Now he just shoots up
on the roof of the projects

an yet even he has a longer life expectancy than me
Cause
I could be killed for what am thinking

I let her hole sit firmly on my tongue
And am just dieing for her to cum
I want her whole nine to just ejaculate straight thru my mind
I want her to cum so hard that she blows off my headpiece
So that I might finally have peace in my head, but
Instead I hear a million ancestors yell that
I have no right ta
Have no
Life
they tell me I am
Exzackly what comes after the ones that survived the middle passage
They tell me im directly descendent from the ones who thought it was
Punk shyit to
jump ship
The ones who mastered their masters
Those angels those gods that worked hellishly hard
From can’t see to can’t sea on the plantations
Slaving for the very same Satan that they created
They graphed their own masters

And every nite
Every nite a trillion bodies
Blacker than cooked soot on the bottom of a crack pipe
In a dark corner of the basement of a crack house
When the moon signals midnight
Sing to me

They sing that im the ungrateful realization of there dreams
They sing that im their social technologically spoil offspring
They sing since it took four hundred years of misery to bring me here
My suicide is not a acceptable offering

tHey sing I was
expressly put on this planet to speak dynamite to granite
That I was intended to spit tears into microphones
So that billions of disenfranchised black children might find their way back home
And I
Cry an I cry
Cause I
Im ashamed that
I could be killed for what im thinking
And I want her to cum so bad but I mange
I want her to
Cum
So bad but I mange
but I mange to pull the gun off of my tongue
turn my thoughts inadvisability in the direction
of black youth
and behold!!
Ejaculating out of my throat

Is the truth

This poem is almost verbatim a poem by Taalam Acey. Matter of fact its on one of his CD's. That's so weird! Or is it?
 

HODEE

Well-Known Member
MEMBER
Jul 2, 2003
5,097
709
( Alonewolf ) California.. by way of the LOU
Occupation
(RF) Technician
Miannco said:
This poem is almost verbatim a poem by Taalam Acey. Matter of fact its on one of his CD's. That's so weird! Or is it?
Miannco Welcome to Destee

You are correct. Here is the site and sounds of this flow in mp3.

http://taalamacey.com/cd3.htm

THAHOOKUP.. unless you are Taalam Acey... you have rewritten anothers flow. :nono:
 

$$RICH$$

Lyon King Admin.
STAFF
Mar 21, 2001
69,982
3,961
Da~WINDY*CITY //CHICAGO
Occupation
BUSINESS owner
FAMILY / POET'S WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM here........

Miannco welcome to destee.com we are happy to have you join us in this
community so welcome within the family .

We also thank you for sharing this infomation which we wasn't aware of .

brutha Hodee thank you for adding the link to such work and creation
in the future you can address any violations/ issues or concerns at
http://www.destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7937

surely we will respond and or address them in a timely manner.

Brutha THAHOOKUPMAN can you please respond to this accusation
brought forth, is this your work or someone else added to the page ??
we kindly wish to clear this up and hear from you brutha .......


Thank you in advance
Forum Moderator
$$RICH$$
 

Consciousness Raising Online!

Latest profile posts

butterfly#1 wrote on Angela22's profile.
Absolutely!
Destee wrote on butterfly#1's profile.
Hi Sweetie Pie Honey Bunch!!!! ... :love: :yaay: :kiss: :yaay: :love:
Love is Gonna Last!!
Destee wrote on One-Hundredd's profile.
@One-Hundredd and @Clyde C Coger Jr ... everyone can add images and video to their own albums (as well as other categories) by clicking the MEDIA link at the top of the page too ... using this link ... https://destee.com/media/ ... just click ... ADD NEW ... to add new images / videos ... Loving Us! Thanks to both of you! :heart:
Destee wrote on Ms Drea's profile.
Hi My Dear Darling Sister - I owe you a phone call. Don't give up on me. I Love You! :heart:
Top