Black Parenting : Advice on Dealing with Racist Baby Mama

RootWorker

New Member
MEMBER
Sep 18, 2016
3
0
Hello! I'm new to this site. I was searching for advice forums for black parents and this place popped up :) this may be a long post.

On to my situation. I've been with my husband for 5 years and married 2. On our first date he told me he had a daughter. At the time I wasn't sure if I'd continue dating him, as I was childless in my early 20's but as I got to know him and his beautiful daughter I realized I'd be a fool not continue on. He is a beautiful understanding soul, smart (VERY well educated), very Pro Black (not a "hotep" lol), A GREAT provider and a wonderful communicator. Everything I was looking for and needed. Onto our relationship. In the beginning of our relationship he let me know he handles his situation with his daughter very well and I shouldn't have any issues from her mother. At this point he hadn't had custody of her. ( He had his child when he was a teenager, he broke up with the mother 3 years after the baby was born because she was began hanging with the wrong crowd, changing for the worst). I eventually met the mother she was polite to me we had no issues through the entire dating phase. His daughter is a great child. All issues with the mother was handled strictly by him and never came to my door. I couldn't have asked for more.

Fast forward to after we got engaged. He filed for custody then 5 months after our wedding he won primary custody. This is when everything changed. Being a step mother to our daughter was no problem. Like I said our daughter is wonderful. But her mother is a demon. The mother isn't black she's East Indian. Her natural color is very dark (she bleaches now) and my husband is dark as well, so is their child. The mother has began to teach the little girl to hate herself, her kinky hair and her features. As a teenager my husband wasn't "woke" but as an adult he is and teaches his daughter to be as well. Her mother hates it. She constantly "loses" her daughter's black history books and natural hair products. We even found out she put "nadinola" products in the girls lotion, to lighten her skin. We don't teach the girl anything negative about her other side but we want her to understand how she's perceived and to love her reflection.

Because my husband travels for work time to time our daughter us mainly with me. So I primarily take care of her while he's gone 3 or 4 times a year. Her mother has began to send evil messages to me about cornrowing her daughter's hair and how I make her look "ghetto", she insist her daughter isn't black so I should stop "treating her like she is". Mind you I do simple protective styles, nothing fancy, she has very coily hair and it's easier that way. She tells me to stop teaching her child she partly descends from Africans and from time to time calls me and my husband "ignorant *** ******" yes, ******. Her mother runs the streets and everytime my husband and I drop her off it's always some street thug driving the car she meets us in bumping loud obnoxious music. My husband has asked her multiple times to keep their daughter away from random men and has just threatened her with going back to court. She still doesn't listen. At this point I'm to my wits end with her racism and evil self destructive thoughts she's trying to put in this beautiful little girls head. My husband has eased up on taking out of town work so he can go back to handling the mother more but it still affects me when our daughter confides in me what her mother says and does....

I guess I'm here to see if anyone has had to deal with this type of situation or just advice on tips to put this woman in her place... SORRY SO LONG!
Thanks!
 

Clyde C Coger Jr

going above and beyond
PREMIUM MEMBER
Nov 17, 2006
53,737
11,615
Occupation
Speaker/Teacher/Author
Hello! I'm new to this site. I was searching for advice forums for black parents and this place popped up :) this may be a long post.

On to my situation. I've been with my husband for 5 years and married 2. On our first date he told me he had a daughter. At the time I wasn't sure if I'd continue dating him, as I was childless in my early 20's but as I got to know him and his beautiful daughter I realized I'd be a fool not continue on. He is a beautiful understanding soul, smart (VERY well educated), very Pro Black (not a "hotep" lol), A GREAT provider and a wonderful communicator. Everything I was looking for and needed. Onto our relationship. In the beginning of our relationship he let me know he handles his situation with his daughter very well and I shouldn't have any issues from her mother. At this point he hadn't had custody of her. ( He had his child when he was a teenager, he broke up with the mother 3 years after the baby was born because she was began hanging with the wrong crowd, changing for the worst). I eventually met the mother she was polite to me we had no issues through the entire dating phase. His daughter is a great child. All issues with the mother was handled strictly by him and never came to my door. I couldn't have asked for more.

Fast forward to after we got engaged. He filed for custody then 5 months after our wedding he won primary custody. This is when everything changed. Being a step mother to our daughter was no problem. Like I said our daughter is wonderful. But her mother is a demon. The mother isn't black she's East Indian. Her natural color is very dark (she bleaches now) and my husband is dark as well, so is their child. The mother has began to teach the little girl to hate herself, her kinky hair and her features. As a teenager my husband wasn't "woke" but as an adult he is and teaches his daughter to be as well. Her mother hates it. She constantly "loses" her daughter's black history books and natural hair products. We even found out she put "nadinola" products in the girls lotion, to lighten her skin. We don't teach the girl anything negative about her other side but we want her to understand how she's perceived and to love her reflection.

Because my husband travels for work time to time our daughter us mainly with me. So I primarily take care of her while he's gone 3 or 4 times a year. Her mother has began to send evil messages to me about cornrowing her daughter's hair and how I make her look "ghetto", she insist her daughter isn't black so I should stop "treating her like she is". Mind you I do simple protective styles, nothing fancy, she has very coily hair and it's easier that way. She tells me to stop teaching her child she partly descends from Africans and from time to time calls me and my husband "ignorant *** ******" yes, ******. Her mother runs the streets and everytime my husband and I drop her off it's always some street thug driving the car she meets us in bumping loud obnoxious music. My husband has asked her multiple times to keep their daughter away from random men and has just threatened her with going back to court. She still doesn't listen. At this point I'm to my wits end with her racism and evil self destructive thoughts she's trying to put in this beautiful little girls head. My husband has eased up on taking out of town work so he can go back to handling the mother more but it still affects me when our daughter confides in me what her mother says and does....

I guess I'm here to see if anyone has had to deal with this type of situation or just advice on tips to put this woman in her place... SORRY SO LONG!
Thanks!

Welcome to Destee.com, RootWorker, glad you found us, and please, enjoy your stay ... Depending on the state, have your husband seek sole custody on the basis that the non-custodial parent is unfit due to mental abuse of the child.

...
 

RootWorker

New Member
MEMBER
Sep 18, 2016
3
0
Thanks for replying! Well I do her hair because I'm the only one who really can. My husband gives her stiff ponytails lol Her hair was completely breaking off with her mother's care.
As far as my husband asking her not to have their daughter around random men it's for our daughters safety. The men she deals with are thugs. And it's a new face every visitation drop off. It would break our hearts if some man took advantage of our daughter because of her mother's ignorance. And his work routine was switched up because we both felt my constant interaction with the mother was getting too heated over text and in person. It's only so many N-Words I'm going to take... He also feels guilty because in the beginning he was the one taking the brunt of her shenanigans and now I'm involved.

This is honestly the only negative in our relationship and we're both handling it as best as we can. It's hard sometimes but I'm with him for the long run. That's mainly why I'm kinda venting here and seeking advice. But I appreciate your insight and comment!
 

RootWorker

New Member
MEMBER
Sep 18, 2016
3
0
Believe me, I feel your pain & I don't want you to feel alone with this. Sometimes I felt so helpless I just wanted to rip my teeth out so the physical pain would overcome the emotional trauma of feeling completely powerless. Tread carefully though, from what I see you still have a ways to go. Keep in touch.

Always a friend.
Thank you! I know exactly what you mean!! It's frustrating but even more because I can see it affecting our daughter more as she gets older. And I agree I have a ways to go. Thank you for your kind words!
 

Consciousness Raising Online!

Latest profile posts

Moved back to the Borough of my birth...Queens New York...Originally from SouthSide but now I live in Far Rockaway.
Yummy0 wrote on jamesfrmphilly's profile.
Hello to you dear, how are you doing ?
Yummy0 wrote on 1poetsought's profile.
Hello to you dear, how are you doing ?
Yummy0 wrote on chuck's profile.
Hello to you dear, how are you doing ?
Yummy0 wrote on jamesfrmphilly's profile.
Hello to you dear, how are you doing ?
Top